iWon't Let You Down
by starrtrek
Summary: Freddie Benson knows everything about computers; but when it comes to love, death and rejection, Freddie can't find a way to just press the back space. Fencer  Spencer/Freddie  Cam  Carly/Sam  slash, femslash.
1. I Could Use Somebody ?

**Title: **iWon't Let You Down

**Fandom: **iCarly

**Main Ship: **Spencer/Freddie

**Other Ships: **Carly/Sam, Spencer/Socko

**Genre(s): **Romance/Angst

**Rating: **M for mature themes and extreme angst

**Warnings: **slash, femslash, person 18+ in a relationship with someone under 18, self-injury (cutting), death

**Author Note: **This is my first iCarly story! There is really a lack of Spencer/Freddie fics in the world, so I decided to write this one to hopefully boost up the percentage. This is going to be an extremely angst-y story, so if that's not your thing, just don't read it. I don't understand why people read fics they know they won't like and then bash it in the review. It's beyond me. So, I'm just warning you now, full angst steam ahead!

Ooh, and by the way, this story is best viewed on the ½ setting. Looks better that way. :]

And I'm a freak and like to give a song to set the mood of each chapter, so the song for this chapter is "Use Somebody" by Pixie Lott (she did an amazing cover of the Kings of Leon song).

Enough ranting! Onto the story!

* * *

Freddie opened the door to the Shay apartment, peering inside. The living room was completely empty. Freddie hoped to heaven that Carly and Sam were somewhere in the apartment. If they weren't, it would only prove what Freddie had been trying to deny for two weeks.

Freddie heard a ruffling sound coming from the kitchen. He stepped into the apartment and closed the door behind him, shutting it quietly as he looked over into the kitchen. Freddie could see Spencer Shay cooking some sort of food at the oven. Freddie could see taco shells and strands of spaghetti. He rolled his eyes to himself quietly. Spencer and his food.

Spencer glanced up at the sound of the door opening, and Freddie felt himself being spotted. "Hey, Freddo. What's shakin', kid?" Spencer asked, slipping some spaghetti into a taco shell. "You're just in time for dinner," he told Freddie, smiling.

"Does that mean that Carly and Sam are here?" Freddie asked in a hopeful tone.

"No," Spencer replied. Freddie felt his stomach drop, "they went to Build-A-Bra like twenty minutes ago."

Freddie mumbled, "Great," before sinking down on the couch in the living room, putting his hands to his head. This had to be the fifth time Carly and Sam didn't think to invite him to go places with them. They always found a way to evade Freddie while they were at the apartment, and sneak out before he could check to see if they were there. It was like they were purposefully giving him the cold shoulder. Freddie had an idea why, but he really hoped that it wasn't the truth.

Freddie heard Spencer walk over and place a plate on the table in front of the TV. Freddie's nose was filled with spaghetti, taco-y goodness, but it didn't distract him. Spencer sat down next to him, prodding him on the shoulder slightly.

"What's wrong?" Spencer asked, his tone concerned. Freddie glanced through his fingers to look at Spencer. Could he tell him? What if Spencer told Carly? Or worse, Sam?

Freddie straightened, looking full on at Spencer's caring face. Freddie knew he could trust Spencer. Taking a deep breath, Freddie began speaking, "I think Carly and Sam are done with me."

Spencer smiled in a way like he would after a joke had been told. "Are you kidding?" Spencer asked, shaking his head as if Freddie were being silly.

Freddie looked at him indignantly. "They are! I can tell! Besides, how long has it been since you've seen me here?" he challenged Spencer, crossing his arms. Spencer looked towards the ceiling, counting in his head. He then looked back at Freddie, his smile fading.

"I mean, I suppose you haven't been around as much as you used to, but that doesn't mean the girls don't like you anymore!" Spencer told him, surveying the younger boy. Freddie shrugged. Spencer continued, "Anyway, what did you do that would make them not want to be friends with you anymore?"

Freddie opened his mouth several times, closing it as soon as his lips parted. He couldn't tell Spencer. It was way too embarrassing. However, Spencer must have sensed that Freddie was suddenly becoming uncomfortable because Spencer placed a hand on Freddie's shoulder, gripping him.

"Come on, Freddie, you know you can tell me anything," Spencer said softly, peering at Freddie. Freddie felt his heart begin to race as Spencer gazed into his eyes. Freddie internally kicked himself. Spencer was not _gazing, _he was simply looking. Freddie shrugged his shoulder out from beneath Spencer as he squirmed around. It would hurt more when Spencer let go of him after hearing the truth.

Not looking at Spencer, Freddie finally fessed up. "I kissed a boy," Freddie whispered sadly. He then put his head in his hands again, hoping he would disappear on the spot.

Suddenly, Freddie felt hands trying to pry his own away from his face. Was Spencer actually touching him after hearing the awful truth?

"Hey, hey," Spencer said sternly, pulling Freddie's hands away, "don't be like that," Spencer told him, tugging on his hands. "Look at me," Spencer demanded hotly, squeezing Freddie's palms. Freddie slowly found the courage to look Spencer in the eye. Spencer sighed. "That's nothing to be ashamed of, Freddie," he said, letting go of Freddie's hands, "everyone experiments at your age."

"Yeah, but that's the thing. The experiment ended well," Freddie moaned, leaning away from Spencer. "I was at that teenage night club in downtown Seattle two weeks ago without Carly and Sam. That was around the time that they started ignoring me. And this kid came over to me and I started venting to him about it, and," Freddie swallowed, looking at Spencer fearfully, "he told me I didn't need girls…and then he just _kissed_ me!" Freddie trembled, shutting his eyes at the memory. "The thing is, though….I liked it. I really, _really_ liked it," Freddie finished, feeling ashamed. He brought himself to look at Spencer, to see his disgusted reaction and perhaps make Freddie leave the apartment. But for some reason, Spencer seemed to be contemplating something. Then, Spencer leaned forward, looking Freddie in the eye.

"If I tell you something, would you promise not to tell Carly?" Spencer asked suddenly, looking slightly resigned. Freddie nodded wildly, just happy that Spencer wasn't throwing Freddie out by the scruff of his neck. But Spencer just continued to look at Freddie, his eyes soft as he said, "I'm bisexual."

Freddie gaped; _what? _Spencer was _bi_? How was that possible? "No you're not," Freddie argued, shaking his head. Spencer's eyebrows raised slightly, but Freddie kept speaking, "You always have girls over here!"

"Yeah, I do. But what do you think I'm doing whenever I'm hanging out with Socko or on a date somewhere else?" Spencer responded, smiling slightly, "Why do you think that I've never brought Socko over here?"

It did make sense. After all the times Freddie had heard about the infamous Socko, he had never once met him. But Freddie still couldn't believe that Spencer was bisexual. He had lived next to Spencer for practically his whole life, and _now_ he was just finding this out?

Spencer looked more serious as he continued speaking. "I don't bring guys over here because I think that Carly is a little homophobic; she gets it from our dad and grandad. It's not a good thing, because people should be open to everyone's sexuality, but Carly just has a very closed mind to that sort of thing, and I have to respect that. She's my little sister, and I need to make her feel comfortable living with me," Spencer informed Freddie, "otherwise she'll be on a one way ticket to Yakima."

Freddie listened, starting to understand Spencer's motives. But what he was saying only confirmed that Carly and Sam were in fact ditching him. Freddie nodded, looking downcast. "Spencer, I'm glad you told me all of this. It's making me a little bit more comfortable about this whole gay thing. But…" Freddie shut his eyes tightly, breathing heavily, "I'd rather be closeted than be without Carly and Sam. They're my best friends," he said sadly, frowning.

"You can't deny who you are, Freddie," Spencer told him, gripping Freddie's shoulders again, "not for anyone. I learned that the hard way. Don't make the same mistake that I did," Spencer said, grimacing slightly. Freddie was about to ask what Spencer's mistake had been, but he was cut off by Carly and Sam entering the apartment, carrying bags labeled BUILD A BRA.

"I really like the color you picked out, Sam," Carly told her, smiling, "and the pattern rocks."

"Thanks, Carls," Sam replied, "you built a pretty kickin' bra too."

The girls then seemed to notice Spencer and Freddie on the couch. Freddie felt Spencer let go of his shoulders, and wave to the girls. "Come have some dinner," Spencer told them, gesturing to the plate.

Carly glanced from the plate of spaghetti tacos to look at Freddie. She stiffened, and shot Sam a sideways glance. "Actually, Spence, Sam and I were going to go try on our new bras. You know, girl stuff," she added, smiling weakly at Freddie, "sorry, Freddie."

"Yeah, unless you want to see us without shirts on," Sam told him, smirking slightly.

Freddie wrinkled his nose at the thought of seeing Sam without a shirt on. "Erm…no thanks," Freddie winced slightly. Even if he were straight, the sight wouldn't have appealed to him.

Sam shrugged, "Suit yourself," and then followed Carly up to her room. Freddie gave Spencer a look that clearly said _see what I mean? _before getting up to leave the apartment.

"Wait, Freddie," Spencer stood up as well, holding his hands out to stop him, "you don't have to go yet. We can still talk with them upstairs-"

"It's okay, Spence. I have to be home anyway. My mom wants to watch the Food Network with me so she can instruct me on the do's and don'ts of using a fork," Freddie said sourly, moving past Spencer to walk out the door. Before he left, he turned, giving Spencer a small smile. "Thanks for the talk."

"Anytime, Freddie. Seriously," Spencer nodded, smiling back. Freddie then exited the apartment, not catching Spencer turning to glare towards the ceiling where Carly's room was.

* * *

A/N: Did I mention I love reviews? Oh, well, I love reviews! Keep that in the back of your mind. :] I'll update soon.


	2. Why Do You Do What You Do To Me ?

**Title: **iWon't Let You Down

**Fandom: **iCarly

**Main Ship: **Spencer/Freddie

**Other Ships: **Carly/Sam, Spencer/Socko

**Genre(s): **Romance/Angst

**Rating: **M for mature themes and extreme angst

**Warnings: **slash, femslash, person 18+ in a relationship with someone under 18, self-injury (cutting), death

**Chapter Song: **Misery by Maroon 5

**Author Note: **Now we'll find out why Carly is so 'homophobic'. BTW iGot A Hot New Room looks AWESOME.

* * *

Spencer moved angrily towards the stairs. How could Carly and Sam treat Freddie like that? He didn't know his sister could be that mean. She was usually so nice and sweet. What had gotten into her?

Spencer rounded off the top of the stairs and met Carly's closed door. He knocked on it twice. "Carly! It's me, would you open up?" Spencer called out, and then thought for a second before adding, "and make sure you have a shirt on!"

The door opened in an instant. Spencer shielded his eyes until Carly broke out into a laugh. "It's okay, Spencer, I have my shirt on."

"Does Sam?" Spencer asked, not letting go of his face.

"Yes, Sam does too!" she exclaimed, pulling Spencer into the room. "Now what's up?"

Spencer let go of his face, looking at Carly and Sam, both of whom looked slightly flushed. He ignored it, his annoyance with them dominating his mind. "Why are you guys being so mean to Freddie?"

Sam scoffed. "Is being mean to Freddie anything new?"

Spencer rolled his eyes and looked at Carly. "You, Carly. Why are you being mean to Freddie all of a sudden?"

Carly looked taken aback. "I'm not! We just assumed Freddie wouldn't be a fan of seeing us in here trying on bras." Sam nodded in agreement. Spencer reeled back. Geez, Carly really _was_ a homophobe. Like, severely.

"Listen," Spencer warned, his eyes darting back and forth between his sister and Sam, "you know and I know that ignoring the situation will not make it any better. You girls need to be way more open-minded and accepting of your friend."

Carly frowned, looking confused. "Are you saying you _want_ boys to be in here while we take our shirts off?"

"No!" Spencer cried, shaking his head wildly, "No, not at all! But you guys need to stop ignoring Freddie! It's not nice, and it's really hurting him," Spencer told them, feeling bad. He hoped Freddie wouldn't be mad at him for telling Carly and Sam off. He wanted Freddie to be able to come to him with these issues, not run away from him.

Sam shrugged, reaching into the Build-A-Bra bag to pull out a small green bra as she spoke, "I guess Carly and I have just been doing some things that Freddie probably wouldn't want to be involved in," she reasoned, looking up at Spencer. "We didn't mean to hurt his feelings."

"Yeah," Carly agreed, intervening, "we just have been doing some pretty girly stuff, you know, stuff Freddie wouldn't want to do."

Spencer thought for a moment. What if they _didn't_ actually know about Freddie? What if Freddie had just completely jumped the gun? Spencer hoped he hadn't given much away. Stepping back towards the door, Spencer tried to salvage the situation. "Alright, just…just maybe involve Freddie a little bit more?" Spencer ended lamely, stepping out of the room. God, he couldn't believe he had given so much away. Spencer went back downstairs, guiltily going over what he had said.

* * *

Carly closed the door behind Spencer, looking back at Sam. "What was all of that about?" she asked her friend, confused. Sam shrugged, rolling her eyes.

"Just Spencer being all protective over Freddweird," Sam told her, reaching for the hem of her own shirt to take it off. "It's a guy thing."

"Oh," Carly responded awkwardly, staring at Sam's discarded shirt. Sam looked at her, smirking.

"You wanna help me get this bra off?" Sam asked, waggling her eyebrows. Carly stiffened uncomfortably, looking at the ground. Sam sighed. "Carly, you can't keep doing this. You need to just accept who you are!"

"I know," Carly muttered, closing her eyes. "I just didn't want this."

Sam flinched, her feelings hurt. She grabbed her shirt and slipped it back on. Sam then grabbed her bag and put the new bra inside it roughly. "Fine, but until you figure out how much you want this, you won't be seeing much of me."

"Sam!" Carly exclaimed, frowning as her friend moved by her to leave the room. Carly groaned, falling onto her bed.

Being bisexual wasn't something Carly was quite used to yet.

* * *

Freddie didn't step one foot into the Shay apartment for nearly a week after his conversation with Spencer. Sure, it meant more time being educated by his crazy mother, but at least he didn't have to be around the people he thought were his friends.

Freddie also had another reason to stay away from the apartment across the hall. The night he had learned of Spencer's true sexuality, Freddie had had an extremely inappropriate dream. It came up from nowhere, and Freddie remembered thinking it was real. Everything had been so vivid, and so colorful and tangible.

In the dream, Freddie had walked into the Shay's apartment, looking for Carly. The dream was a familiar one; Freddie used to have similar ones when he had been in love with Carly. Except now, he was trying to find Carly to apologize for being gay.

Only, instead of Carly, he found Spencer leaning against the window, staring out into the city. Freddie neared him, his expression concerned. "Spencer?" Freddie asked, moving next to Spencer. "Spence?"

"Freddie," Spencer moaned, his shoulders heaving in a broken way, "how could you do this to me?"

"I had to," Freddie found himself saying, "it was for the best."

Spencer broke into a sob and fell to the ground, clutching the wall for support. "I thought you loved me," Spencer choked, his fingers twisting into his own hair. Freddie fell beside Spencer, cupping the older man's face.

"I do love you," Freddie admitted, and Spencer shook his head, flinching away from Freddie's touch. Freddie's face screwed up in a sort of repressed agony, and he gripped Spencer harder. "Spencer! Please look at me."

"No," Spencer replied resolutely, turning from Freddie, "I can't. Not now. Not after you've done this," but Freddie pushed Spencer into his chest, cradling the tall man to him. Spencer held the fabric of Freddie's shirt tightly, and Freddie could feel his shirt become wet. Spencer looked up at him for the first time, tears running thickly down his cheeks. Freddie couldn't restrain himself. He leaned down and let his lips meet Spencer's. Spencer kissed him back hungrily, pushing Freddie up against the wall. Freddie leaned back as Spencer kissed down Freddie's neck, leaving a hot trail of saliva.

Suddenly, the door of the Shay's apartment shook. "Spencer Shay, this is the police. Open the door!" Spencer continued to kiss Freddie's neck, sucking the skin roughly in his mouth. Freddie cried out once before shoving Spencer away from him.

Spencer watched Freddie walk towards the door sadly. "I didn't mean to hurt you, Freddie," Spencer whispered, and Freddie rested his hand on the doorknob. He then turned towards Spencer, his expression hard.

"I hate you, Spencer," Freddie said harshly as he opened the door. Police officers flooded into the apartment as if they couldn't see Freddie and marched straight over to Spencer. Spencer's face held no emotion as they cuffed him up and arrested him for statutory rape. As they hauled Spencer out of the apartment, he glanced at Freddie, his face screwed up in agony.

"I love you," Spencer murmured, and Freddie closed his eyes. How could he have done this?

Freddie suddenly shot up from his couch, breathing heavily. "Spencer!" He cried, rushing to the door of his apartment as he whipped it open, running the short distance across the hall, and pounded on the Shay's door.

"Spencer! Spencer!" Freddie shouted, his fist starting to hurt from the impact it was making on the door. The door flew open, and a covered-in-paint Spencer appeared looking fearful.

"WHAT!" Spencer shouted, inspecting Freddie for damage. Freddie then sighed, and pushed Spencer away from him. It had just been that stupid dream again. _Why_ was it so realistic?

"Nothing," Freddie said unconvincingly, turning back towards apartment. "I thought I saw a beavcoon," he added, trying to cover up his tracks.

Spencer's frightened expression turned into one of enthusiasm. "WHERE!" he exclaimed, clapping his hands together gleefully. Freddie shrugged, glancing back towards his door. He was so _stupid _to think that dream was real.

Spencer seemed to sense that Freddie was preoccupied because he put a hand on Freddie's arm. Freddie felt his heart beat hard within his chest. He looked up at Spencer's lips, remembering what it had felt like to have them on his throat. Freddie felt an uncomfortable tug near his groin.

"Why don't you come inside and see my newest sculpture," Spencer offered, leading Freddie into the apartment. Freddie nodded and followed him in. A large mannequin was near the stairs, and it was covered in rainbow paint. "Ever since I talked to you last week, I've been inspired by rainbows," Spencer said, grinning. Freddie didn't know how to respond to that, so he just nodded.

"I'm making it for you!" Spencer added, clapping Freddie on the back. Freddie stumbled under Spencer's hand, and had to grip the coffee table to keep his balance. Spencer glanced at him nervously. "Do you like it?"

"Yes, Spence, I love it," Freddie told him truthfully. Spencer could have killed a seagull and put glitter on it and Freddie knew he'd think it was worthy enough to have a spot at the Louvre. Freddie smiled at Spencer, who returned his friendly expression. Freddie waited for Spencer to look away, but he didn't. Freddie watched as his smile dropped from his face, and Spencer suddenly looked thoughtful. "Spencer…"

"Spencer!" Carly's voice came calling from the top of the stairs. Spencer jerked slightly and spun towards the stairs. Freddie beat his palm to his head.

"What?" Spencer called back.

"Is Freddie down there?" she asked, her tone desperate.

Spencer looked back towards Freddie, catching his eye again, "Yes."

Carly let out a sigh of relief. "Can you send him up?"

"Sure thing, kiddo," Spencer replied, throwing a thumbs up sign at Freddie. Spencer moved towards Freddie, beaming. "Looks like she doesn't hate you after all!" Spencer said, patting Freddie on the head. Freddie smiled weakly before heading towards the stairs.

What _was_ that? Why did Spencer stare at him like that? Freddie realized it was probably because _he_ had been the one gawking like an idiot at him. That's why Spencer looked so confused. Freddie groaned to himself with every step he took up the stairs. He stopped in front of Carly's room, knocking on the door. Carly opened it quickly, and Freddie saw that her face was wet with tears.

"Oh, Freddie!" Carly wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him into a tight hug. Freddie hugged her back, extremely confused. Carly pulled herself back, her arms still locked around Freddie's neck.

"Carly, what's wrong?" he asked, his brow scrunched in confusion. Carly silenced him by kissing him full on the mouth.

Freddie's eyes widened, but he didn't let go of Carly. He was surprised by how good it felt to be kissed by Carly. He thought he'd immediately be turned off, but it wasn't the case. Maybe he wasn't gay after all? It wouldn't be the first time Freddie acted on a stupid impulse. Maybe he was like Spencer, and just bi.

Freddie kissed Carly back, his tongue gliding across her lower lip. Carly parted her mouth as she pulled Freddie into the room, her hands messing up his hair. Freddie kissed Carly's jaw, sucking the skin there like he had had done on him by Spencer in dreamland. Carly moaned, and Freddie met her mouth again, feeling her lips massage his.

"I need this," Carly muttered, pulling back from Freddie slightly to undo his jeans, "please just don't question it," Freddie wasn't going to even speak. He just let Carly unbuckle his jeans and let her hands explore his boxers. Freddie groaned and pushed Carly back on the bed, his hands moving to push up the hem of her shirt. Carly pulled her shirt over her head, letting Freddie see her purple bra.

"Did you get this a Build-A-Bra?" Freddie asked, momentarily distracted. Carly just nodded and pushed Freddie's jeans down with her feet. Freddie shut up and kissed her neck again, delighting in the sounds she was making. She was so soft and flexible. Nothing like how Spencer had been in his dream.

Spencer…Freddie felt himself pull back from Carly, looking into her dark eyes. He could see the resemblance to Spencer. Up close and personal, Carly looked so much like Spencer. Freddie pressed his lips to hers again, trying to get rid of Spencer's image on his brain, but it stuck to him like glue on a giant A.

"Carly," Freddie moaned, pressing his face against the crook of her neck and shoulder as he tried to convince himself.

"Freddie," Carly responded, her fingers travelling up Freddie's inner thighs. Freddie felt his member harden as he closed his eyes. All he could feel was Spencer.

"Sp-"

"Oh, my god."

Freddie's eyes opened abruptly. Carly reeled back, freezing.

They both looked over to see Spencer standing at the door of Carly's room, holding a bowl of fruit.

* * *

**A/N:** Muahahaha I'm so evil, I know. I forgot to mention the Creddie, didn't I? But forget about it, I promise you don't have to worry about it.


	3. Soul Sister ?

**Title**: iWon't Let You Down

**Fandom: **iCarly

**Main Ship: **Spencer/Freddie

**Other Ships: **Carly/Sam, Spencer/Socko, some Freddie/Carly

**Genre(s): **Romance/Angst

**Rating: **M for mature themes and extreme angst

**Warnings: **slash, femslash, person 18+ in a relationship with someone under 18, self-injury (cutting), death

**Chapter Song: **Hey Soul Sister by Train (yeah, it's a romantic song, but in Freddie/Carly's case, it's for friendship because they share something very important in common)

**Author Note: **This chapter was inspired by the episode iLook Alike (the one where Carly, Freddie and Sam get the three look alikes to pretend to be them to fool Spencer after they sneak out). I loved how pissed Spencer got because we usually see him all care-free and easygoing, but in this episode, he showed a lot of parental potential and he actually got angry at Carly. So, that's what motivated this chapter.

In response to a review by Nikki: I prefer Seddie over Creddie, too. But the way this story is going, Creddie made more sense. It won't go beyond these two chapters, though. So don't worry. :]

* * *

Freddie and Carly sat on separate ends of the living room couch, both of them staring awkwardly at their hands. Carly had her shirt back on, and Freddie had his jeans buttoned. Neither of them said a word. The apartment was silent.

Then, a deep breath broke through. Spencer was perched on the stairs, staring intently at the back of the couch. He looked as though he had just swallowed poison by accident and only had a day to live. Freddie watched Carly out of the corner of his eye as she spun around on the couch to look at him. "Spencer…!"

"Don't talk," Spencer snapped from behind Freddie. Freddie gulped, looking at Carly with a painful expression. Carly returned it.

Spencer then sighed, putting a hand to his head. "So, when I fixed up a fruit salad for you guys to help what I thought was your friendship rekindling, I didn't realize that I somehow paid Skinnimax to give me a live show in my…little sister's bedroom," Spencer let out, sounding disgusted.

"Spencer, I never meant for you to see that-" Carly started.

"So keeping the door wide open was a good way to prevent it?" Spencer said harshly, standing up to pace behind the couch. Spencer groaned, tugging on his hair. "I _so_ didn't need to see that. Seriously. It just about killed my entire creative muse."

"I'm sorry!" Carly cried, pouting her lip out as if she were about to cry. Freddie knew Spencer hated seeing his sister cry, but he had a feeling that her crocodile tears wouldn't get her out of this one.

Freddie was right. Spencer circled around the couch, pointing an accusing finger at Carly. "Don't even try that! I refuse to fall for it," Spencer said, and Carly sighed, resuming her embarrassed expression. Spencer sank down on the couch between the embarrassed teens, putting his head in his hands. "Carly," Spencer then spoke, "go to your room. I'll be up in a little bit. I need to talk to Freddie."

Carly stood up without protest and raced up to her room. Spencer waited until he heard the door shut before turning towards Freddie, his expression hard. Freddie winced.

"I'm…confused," Spencer told Freddie, peering into his eyes searchingly. "Did you lie to me about your sexuality or something? Was it a prank to get the truth out of me?" Spencer looked somewhat hurt. Freddie shook his head in an instant.

"No! No, Spence, of course not," Freddie told him, trying hard not to stare at Spencer's lips, "I didn't even know that Carly liked me again! I just went up there and she sort of attacked me," Freddie said, trying to censor himself. Spencer didn't really need to hear the details of where his sister's hands had been only minutes previously. "And I realized that I liked it. So I guess I'm like you," Spencer shot him a scathing look. Freddie held up his hands, "I mean that I'm bisexual…I'm not insinuating that you want Carly or anything, because that'd be gross and weird and-"

"Freddie," Spencer interrupted, clamping a hand over the teen's mouth, "shut up, please."

Freddie relented, but the feeling of Spencer's hand on his lips was too much. He gritted his teeth, trying to ignore the throbbing pain in his pants. He _had_ to learn how to control this better.

Spencer sighed, and let go of Freddie's mouth. "I'm not going to pretend that it's suddenly okay that you were macking on my sister, because it's totally not," Spencer told him sternly, shaking himself slightly, "but please don't use my sister as an experimental toy."

"I wasn't!" Freddie squeaked; how could he make Spencer see that he was the victim in all of this? Freddie didn't want Spencer thinking he liked Carly. Freddie was attracted to Carly, and he wouldn't say no to making out with her again, but Freddie couldn't get the feeling of Spencer's tongue on his skin out of his head. He wanted to make it a reality very badly.

Spencer nodded, standing up. He still looked visibly uncomfortable, but he seemed better. "Alright, I have to go talk to Carly, and then I'm hanging out with Socko," Spencer told Freddie, moving towards the stairs.

Freddie felt the jealousy rise in his abdomen before he realized what it was. "You're hanging out with Socko?" Freddie asked, frowning.

Spencer winked, smiling slightly, "Yeah, 'hanging' out," Spencer did air quotes around the hanging out part to exaggerate it. Freddie suddenly felt sick. So while he was stuck at home with his mother, Spencer got to go out a screw around with some other guy?

Spencer had been about to go up the stairs, but he saw Freddie's face. "Freddie?" he asked, stepping down from the stairs. Freddie walked towards the door sourly, reaching for the knob. "Freddo, what's-"

"Don't call me that," Freddie lashed out, surprised at himself. Why was he this jealous? Spencer frowned, looking appalled.

"Freddie, please, what's-"

"I have to go. Bye Spencer," Freddie muttered and then left, slamming the door, leaving a bewildered Spencer behind him.

Freddie felt mortified as soon as he entered his apartment. What was he, some crazed jealous fan boy? It wasn't Spencer's fault Freddie kept having sexy dreams about him. It wasn't Freddie's fault that _Freddie_ imagined Spencer when he had been hooking up with _Carly_.

Hooking up with Carly was something Freddie had dreamt about for what seemed like forever. So why did it not live up to his expectations? The way Carly acted so impulsively was nothing like Freddie had ever imagined. It felt as if she was more into the act itself than being with Freddie, which is something Freddie did not want.

And then there was Spencer. Spencer's mortified face upon finding them. Freddie wanted to think that it was spurred by jealousy, but he knew that simply wasn't true. Spencer had just been angry that he came across his little sister shirtless under the kid from across the hall. Freddie didn't know if he'd ever be able to show his face in Carly's apartment again. It would be too embarrassing.

To calm himself down, Freddie turned on Celebrities Underwater. Normally, he wouldn't be allowed to watch it, but his mother had taken a liking to spending endless amounts of time at The Single Sewing Society, some club for single moms who liked to knit and sew. Freddie didn't mind; he got the apartment all to himself, something he rather enjoyed. However, even Jessica Simpson blowing bubbles underwater couldn't keep Freddie's mind of Spencer.

A knock on the door shook Freddie out of his distracted stupor. He walked towards the door, gripping the knob. Was it Spencer? Freddie tried to go over what he was going to say, but as the door opened, he zeroed in on the younger Shay.

"Oh, hi, Carly," Freddie said, somewhat relieved but at the same time disappointed. Carly smiled at him awkwardly, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. "What's up?"

"Oh nothing, just had an extremely uncomfortable sex talk with Spencer," Carly replied in a sarcastically bright tone. Freddie smiled back, but secretly wished Spencer would've talked to him about sex. Shaking himself, Freddie forced himself to look back at Carly.

"Yeah that was pretty embarrassing," Freddie agreed, not sure why Carly had come to see him. To keep the conversation light, Freddie glanced at the open door leading into Carly's apartment. "Where did Spencer go?"

"I think he's with Socko," Carly said innocently. Freddie felt his stomach drop in that jealous manner. Freddie could just imagine Spencer doing all the things to Socko that he would never do to Freddie. It made Freddie sick.

"Cool," Freddie responded sourly, looking towards the floor. Carly took a step forward, and then sighed, crossing her arms.

"Freddie, I want to tell you something…something big," Carly said, sounding determined. Freddie looked back at her, gesturing for her to go on. She took a deep breath, and then said in a breath, "IthinkI'mbi."

Freddie gaped. "You're bi?" Sudden elation flooded into Freddie's brain. He wasn't the only one now! If Carly was half-gay, it couldn't be that bad! Freddie had an urge to hug Carly, but he restrained himself. No need to remind them of what had happened a few hours previously.

Carly nodded, and then suddenly everything came out, "It was after you left the last iCarly, it was just me and Sam in the bean bag chairs, and she got all funny and started saying these things…and then she kissed me and it was amazing…" Carly bit her lip as Freddie faked gagging, and she scowled, "but I didn't want to be bi. I mean, it's so weird! But Sam did these things to me and I sort of got carried away…and then I freaked out and I think I hurt Sam. But that's why I wanted to hook up with you, because I wanted to make sure I really did like girls before I went back to Sam…"

Freddie scoffed slightly; so Spencer had been worried that _he_ was using Carly as an experimental toy when it had been the other way around? Oh, the irony.

Carly looked concerned, so Freddie decided to be honest. "Carly…I'm bisexual too."

She gasped, putting a hand to her mouth. "Freddie! Oh, I had no idea! I feel so rotten. I can't believe I used you like that," Carly sighed, sinking down to the floor. Freddie joined her, sitting next to her. She placed her head on his shoulder, and he pecked the top of her head comfortingly.

"Do you mean that? Because I thought you and Sam were avoiding me because of it," Freddie confessed, slight misery in his tone. Carly shook her head against his shoulder.

"We had no idea. We were avoiding you because we didn't want you to find out yet," Carly said, breathing steadily into Freddie's arm. Freddie felt extremely better. So he wasn't being persecuted. Which meant he had told Spencer the truth and gotten the dreams for nothing. That was the downside of the cloud, but Freddie guessed the silver lining was Spencer finally admitting to someone about his sexuality. Well, someone other than Socko.

_Stupid Socko_, Freddie thought viciously. But, he pushed it from his mind, glancing down at Carly, "It's so weird that we all came out at the same time."

"I know," Carly agreed, lifting her head up. "And I just want you to know…what we did together…well, it was great…" Carly said, but she bit her lip again, "but I really wished it had been Sam."

"Yeah," Freddie responded, nodding, "I really wished it had been Sp-"

Freddie stopped himself, feeling Carly's confused gaze. He quickly shut his mouth, but not before letting out, "just some guy" lamely. Carly shrugged, and stood up, pulling Freddie up with her.

"Will you promise not to tell Spencer about this? I can just imagine him freaking out and never letting Sam in the apartment with me alone, which I really don't want," Carly pleaded, putting up her hands in a begging signal. Freddie smirked, shaking his head.

"I won't tell him," Freddie promised, but wondered what Spencer's reaction would be. He actually thought Spencer would be proud of Carly for coming out, but he didn't tell Carly that.

Carly smiled. "Thanks," she said, and then pulled Freddie into a hug. He returned it, and they pulled apart. "Now let's go watch some celebrities do things underwater," she said, walking into Freddie's apartment. Freddie followed her, and they watched the TV show until Mrs. Benson came home and yelled at Freddie for staying up past 10 o clock.

* * *

**A/N: **That's the end of the Creddie in this fic. But onto the Fencer! I'll most likely have the next chapter up within the next few hours. I'm seriously into this story. But hey, I've gotten almost 100 views so far today and only one review. What up with that? If you like it, send me some love!


	4. I Will Surely Break ?

**Title: **iWon't Let You Down

**Fandom: **iCarly

**Main Ship: **Spencer/Freddie

**Other Ships: **Carly/Sam, Spencer/Socko

**Genre(s): **Romance/Angst

**Rating: **M for mature themes and extreme angst

**Warnings: **slash, femslash, person 18+ in a relationship with someone under 18, self-injury (cutting), death

**Chapter Song: **Look After You by The Fray

**Author Note: **Awh, angst. Gotta love it. Unlucky chapter for poor Freddie!

* * *

A week after Carly and Freddie's dual confession, Sam was back in the picture, delighting in insulting Freddie and staring at Carly. Freddie felt at home again, and didn't even mind Spencer popping in from time to time. Everything seemed like it was back to normal. That was, until, they shot their first iCarly since Sam and Carly had gotten into a fight.

"We're on in 5...4...3...2..." Freddie pointed his finger at Carly and Sam, initiating that night's episode of iCarly.

"Hi, I'm Carly," Carly said in a rush.

"And I'm Sam," Sam responded with a large smile.

"And we love corn on the cob!" the two girls shouted in unison, holding up two ears of corn. They both started chomping away on it. Freddie chuckled as he filmed it, nodding at his friends. Carly and Sam continued eating the corn until it was all gone, and they threw it across the room. They did a few bits including Messin' With Lewbert and Random Dancing before Sam pulled out her blue controller and pressed the applause button.

"But wait! There's more!" Sam exclaimed, sitting Carly down on a seat. Carly stared at her confusedly before Sam pulled out a black controller.

"Hey, that's the controller for my mini camera!" Freddie said, pointing at the controller in confusion.

"Yep, and I set one up in Carly's room. I call it 'Carly Cam'," Sam said smartly, pointing her controller at the TV screen to make it turn on. Carly shot a scared look at the camera. "I set one up so we could sneak up on Carly and see who goes in her room!"

"I thought you just wanted to rehearse a breaking and entering!" Carly shouted, suddenly afraid.

Sam shrugged, and turned on the Carly Cam. Freddie watched in horror as a video came on the screen of Carly pulling Freddie into her room, kissing him senselessly on the mouth. He blinked several times, feeling his heart pound in his chest. Carly had her eyes closed as if she were counting furiously. Freddie ventured a look at Sam.

She stood in front of the TV, staring at it intently. Freddie pointed the camera toward himself and said, "We'll be right back," before shutting off the webshow. Freddie watched Sam stare at the screen with a dying expression on her face. Carly had just taken off her shirt, revealing the bra she had gotten with Sam. Sam dropped the remote.

Carly opened her eyes, moaning, "Sam…" but Sam shoved her chair to the ground. Carly fell down, toppling over the side of the chair.

"Sam!" Freddie shouted, rushing over to see if Carly was okay. Sam turned around and pushed Freddie roughly into his own camera set, making it fall over and crack. Freddie hardly cared. Sam looked livid.

"GET OUT OF HERE!" Sam screamed, kicking Freddie in the gut. Freddie gasped, trying to crawl away from her, but she kept striking him.

"SAM!" Carly screeched, bursting out into tears. She pulled herself up before tackling Sam to the ground, trying to pin her flailing limbs.

"I'M GONNA KILL HIM!" Sam kept shrieking, trying to push Carly off of her. "I WILL MURDER HIM!"

"FREDDIE JUST LEAVE!" Carly shouted worriedly, crying out in pain as Sam scraped her face. Freddie moved over to tug Carly off but she shoved his arm away. "GO!"

Freddie had no choice. He pulled himself into the elevator and made it go down a floor. He saw Carly pull herself on top of Sam as Sam began to sob, but the door closed before Freddie could see more. Shuddering, Freddie pressed a hand to his ribs. He could feel blood.

The elevator door slid open, and Freddie managed to stand up. He moved out of the elevator, gripping the counter for support. The blood on his hand was damp and dripping. He could only imagine what his ribs looked like. Walking to the sink with a struggle, Freddie got the faucet running. He washed his bloody hand off, and then lifted up his shirt, inspecting the damage. Sam had bruised his rib, and cut the skin open with her show. Wincing, Freddie pressed a paper towel to the wound. God, he was going to _kill _Sam once she was sane again.

Movement suddenly came from near the stairs. Freddie glanced over there wildly, expecting Sam to be there with a battle ax. But it wasn't Sam. It was Spencer, on his cell phone.

"No, dude, listen, just put it on the table and I'll be over there in like a half an hour," Spencer was saying, completely oblivious to Freddie. "No, don't throw it out, it's so rare! Yeah. Uh huh. Yepp. Huh. Weird." Spencer then spotted Freddie, and smiled at him. "Listen, Socko, I gotta go, so I'll see you in a few okay? Cool," Spencer ended the call, sliding his phone back in his pocket. He walked towards the kitchen, waving at Freddie cheerfully, "What's up Freddie-" Spencer stopped mid sentence, seeing the bloodied Freddie for the first time.

"_Freddie!" _Spencer gasped, breaking into a sprint to reach Freddie. Freddie groaned as he was pushed against the sink by Spencer. Inappropriate thoughts ran through Freddie's head, but he ignored them to the best of his ability. Spencer reached over to lift up Freddie's shirt, but Freddie slapped his hand away.

"It's nothing, Spence," Freddie said, trying to push Spencer away. Spencer refused to budge.

"What happened to you!" Spencer shouted, gripping Freddie's arms tightly. Freddie felt as if his heart were about to burst. He looked away from Spencer, attempting once more to free himself from Spencer's grip. Freddie had to leave the apartment. If Sam came after him, it would take more than Spencer to make her back down.

"Nothing!" Freddie yelled back, successfully pushing Spencer to the side. Freddie made his way across the Shay's living room, trying to make it to the door. Spencer leaped over the couch, pulling Freddie back into him.

"That is obviously not nothing," Spencer snapped concernedly, trying to lift up Freddie's shirt again. As he felt Spencer's fingers on his skin, Freddie felt electricity shoot up from his stomach to his brain. He felt hazy. Then, he thought of Socko. Spencer and Socko. Spencer going over to Socko's. It was too much for Freddie to bear.

"Stop touching me, Spencer!" Freddie shouted suddenly. Spencer's hands dropped as if they were electrocuted. "I don't need your help, I don't need you to care, so just stay away from me!" Freddie felt himself break as he watched Spencer's expression weaken. Freddie couldn't do this anymore. He couldn't let himself fall for Spencer. It would never work out. He had to get away from it all.

Leaving Spencer's side, Freddie hobbled out of the apartment and made his way into his own. Once he got in, he was greeted by an angry Marissa Benson holding up a clipboard.

"Freddie! You forgot to sign your Shampooing contract! And I turned on the TV and saw you were watching MTV! You know I don't like you watching those sophomoric reality shows!" She chastised, waving the clipboard in his face. Freddie felt the anger bubble inside of him. Before he knew what he was doing, Freddie smacked the clipboard out of her hand and watched it fly into the opposite wall.

"I am TIRED of living like this. I am sixteen, God damn it, and I will watch what I want to watch," Freddie pointed at the TV, "and I will wash my hair however many times I want! You are the worst mother in the history of Seattle!" Freddie shouted, his anger and pain from his side ebbing into his mood. Marissa gaped at him, her face becoming red.

"I'm out of here!" Freddie backed out, slamming the door in her face. He then sprinted down the hall until his side hurt so much it blinded him. Freddie had to get away from his mother. He had to get away from Sam and Carly, and most of all, Spencer. Freddie needed a new life. He was done with this suckish one.

Spencer sat at the kitchen table, his head in his hands. He couldn't believe Freddie had yelled at him like that. Something had obviously happened on the show to make Freddie so angry. But still…Spencer felt extremely hurt by what Freddie had said. Spencer did care for him. He was like a little brother to Spencer. He wanted to be there for Freddie, but Freddie didn't want him at all. Spencer ran a hand through his hair, feeling the pain sink in.

The door to his apartment suddenly flew open as Marissa Benson came storming in in a blur. Spencer stood up automatically. "Mrs. Benson?" Spencer asked, but she shook her head and then started crying. "Mrs. Benson!" Spencer cried, making his way over to her and putting a hand on her arm.

"Oh Spencer!" Mrs. Benson exclaimed, weeping into the air, "Freddie…he said these h-horrible things…and I think he was h-hurt a-and…he ran away-y!" Mrs. Benson wailed, sobbing as she sank onto the couch. Spencer sighed, wringing his hands nervously. Carly and Sam suddenly appeared on the stairs, both red-faced.

"We heard the noise, what's going on?" Carly asked, her tone scratchy. Spencer rounded on her, his tone sharp.

"What happened to Freddie?" Spencer asked urgently, looking back from his teary-eyed sister to her fearsome best friend.

Carly swallowed, "Um…Sam and him kind of got into a f-fight…"

Spencer banged his fist on the banister of the stairs, glaring at Sam. "Damn it Sam, can't you control your anger for once?" he yelled, pointing a finger at her. Sam scowled at him.

"Hey, don't get all parent-y on me, Spencer. Freddie had it coming," Sam growled, her hands balling into fists. Carly put a hand on her shoulder, "Sam, don't," but Sam shook it off.

"Yeah well, Freddie ran away thanks to you," Spencer said, turning away from her and looking at the door. He made up his mind. Reaching for his raincoat, Spencer turned around. "I'm going to go find Freddie. You two, stay with Mrs. Benson. I'll call if I find him," Spencer promised before turning back around an heading out of the door. Spencer _had_ to find Freddie. It had looked liked Freddie needed a good doctor, and him wandering out in the rain wouldn't do any good to his ribs.

Spencer ran through the lobby, earning a "DON'T RUN IN MY LOBBY" from Lewbert, but Spencer ignored him. He rushed out of the door of the plaza, and into the Seattle rain. Spencer felt his hair become wet as he raced down the street. "FREDDIE!" Spencer called out into the darkness of the street, hoping to get some sort of response. He didn't. Cursing to himself, Spencer turned on his heel, his eyes hitting the Groovy Smoothie.

Spencer spotted a dark silhouette sitting down on one of the couch's in the dark smoothie shop. The figure was clutching something to their side. Spencer let himself smile briefly; he found Freddie.

* * *

**A/N:** Looks like Freddie didn't get too far with those bruised ribs. Oh, and Carly managed to calm Sam down (weird, I know) but Sam still isn't


	5. Out Of My Mind ?

**Title: **iWon't Let You Down

**Fandom: **iCarly

**Main Ship: **Spencer/Freddie

**Other Ships: **Carly/Sam, Spencer/Socko

**Genre(s): **Romance/Angst

**Rating: **M for mature themes and extreme angst

**Warnings: **slash, femslash, person 18+ in a relationship with someone under 18, self-injury (cutting), death

**Chapter Song: **I'm With You by Avril Lavigne

**Author Note: **First real Fencer chapter. Yay!

* * *

Freddie had been in so much pain that by the time he had left the building, he could barely walk. He decided to take refuge at the Groovy Smoothie. He had convinced T Bone that he would lock it up, so Freddie sat in the darkness, alone in an empty smoothie shop will rain pounded against the window.

A few times, Freddie was sure he heard his name being called, but he ignored it. He didn't want to be found. Freddie just wanted the pain of his side to go away so he could leave Seattle. Maybe Carly's grandad would take him in. He could live in Yakima. Far away from his mother and friends.

Not that they would care. None of them would. They would all be better off without Freddie around. Sam and Carly would get to make out and have a relationship without worrying about Freddie. They'd get Gibby to do the tech work or Spencer. Spencer would forget about Freddie and focus on Socko, the love of his life. And Freddie's mom would probably just have more time for sewing.

Sam always told him that he wasn't important to iCarly. Maybe Freddie wasn't important to anyone.

The door to the Groovy Smoothie suddenly opened. Freddie reeled around, regretting this in an instant because he felt a stabbing pain as soon as he did so. He coughed as he felt two hands on his shoulders. "Freddie? Freddie, thank God. You scared your mother so much. Don't ever run away again!" Freddie felt a ping as Spencer gripped him tightly, shaking him. Freddie want nothing more than to fall into Spencer's arms, but he couldn't let himself do it.

"Spencer…" Freddie started, but Spencer did something very surprising. He pulled Freddie into his chest, cradling him. Freddie gasped and let his arms wind themselves around Spencer, holding him tight. He tried to ignore the pain in his ribs as Spencer tucked his head onto Freddie's shoulder.

"Please talk to me, Freddie. Please. I need you to tell me what's wrong," Spencer pleaded, loosening his grip on Freddie as he took a seat next to him. He was so close that Freddie could smell his cologne mixed with the scent of rain. It was the most amazing scent Freddie had ever smelled. Before he could control himself, Freddie leaned into Spencer's chest, resting his nose on the wet material of his shirt.

"Spencer…" Freddie repeated, closing his eyes as Spencer's arms tightened around him protectively.

"Freddie. Talk," Spencer whispered, pushing Freddie back to face him. Freddie felt tears rise in his eyes, and they spilled over his lids shamefully.

"I can't take this anymore," Freddie muttered, wiping his eyes with the backs of his hands, "all this confusion. All of these things I want but can't have."

"Like what?" Spencer asked as if he were truly curious. Freddie looked at him, his eyes moving towards his lips.

Freddie ignored his question, "Sam hates me. Carly would choose her over me any day," Freddie said, trying not to disclose her secret to Spencer, but it was hard. Freddie felt as if he could tell Spencer anything with him sitting this close, with his arms around Freddie and his scent radiating through Freddie's nose. "My mom still treats me like I'm seven. I said some pretty bad things to her," Freddie swallowed guiltily, shaking slightly from the dampness of Spencer's body. This only led Spencer to hold him tighter.

Oh, _God. _Freddie almost jumped Spencer right then and there. "I know, Freddie," Spencer replied, resting his chin on the top of Freddie's head, "but she loves you, and she'll forgive you."

Freddie couldn't take it anymore. He opened his mouth and added quickly, "And you're always with Socko."

Freddie felt Spencer stiffen against him. Uh oh, he ruined the moment. Freddie could almost see the moment speeding away from him as Spencer pulled away from him. "What?" Spencer asked quietly, but it sounded rhetorical to Freddie.

Freddie said nothing. He refused to look at Spencer as he let go of Freddie, folding his hands out in front of him. "Freddie…" Spencer started, but he paused. Freddie felt his ecstasy fade away as Spencer began to speak, "Freddie, you're a teenager, I'm almost thirty. I was born a decade before you were-"

"You don't think I know that?" Freddie snapped childishly, shivering again. This time, Spencer didn't warm him up.

Spencer sighed, glancing at Freddie, "Nothing can happen between us. It never will. I would never allow it," Spencer told him firmly but gently, lifting a hand to put it on Freddie's shoulder. Freddie shook it off.

"Does that mean…you would…_want_ to be with me? If you could?" Freddie asked hopefully, but Spencer shook his head.

"Freddie, I see you like I see Carly…" Spencer admitted, and Freddie broke down from there. He turned around from Spencer, hugging himself silently as tears continued to slip down his cheeks. Freddie let out a small sob.

Spencer moaned, pulling Freddie back into his chest. "Please don't cry, Freddie. You know I hate to see the ones I love cry," Freddie felt his throat tighten.

"You don't love me," Freddie said against Spencer's chest, his senses filled up with Spencer's sweet scent. Spencer breathed, leaning his forehead against Freddie's shoulder.

"I do love you, Freddie…just not the way you want me to," Spencer told him, his hands rubbing Freddie's back comfortingly. Freddie didn't care. He just wanted Spencer to shut up and keep holding him through the night. That's all Freddie wanted.

For awhile, that's all that happened. Freddie let himself be cradled by Spencer for what seemed like hours. Spencer traced circles all over Freddie's back, his breath against Freddie's neck. How could Spencer not feel this? Freddie couldn't think of a time when he didn't feel this way. So safe and warm in Spencer's arms. So loved and cherished. Freddie kissed Spencer's shoulder, but the move went unnoticed by Spencer.

After a little bit, Spencer pulled back, using his thumbs to push away the rest of Freddie's tears. "Let's go back upstairs; I already broke a promise to your mother," Spencer admitted shamefully. Freddie didn't move, but gave Spencer a questioning glance. "I promised I'd call as soon as I found you," Spencer explained. Freddie nodded, trying to prolong the moment as long as he could.

But Spencer didn't remove his arms. Freddie looked into Spencer's eyes, feeling his breath get caught in his throat. Not thinking, Freddie started to lean in towards Spencer's face, and he could've sworn Spencer's eyes flickered.

Sudden sirens burst through the quiet atmosphere, ringing as an ambulance rushed down the street and stopped before the Bushwell plaza. Freddie glanced back at Spencer, shooting him a confused look. "What's going on?"

"I've been here with you this whole time, Freddie," Spencer reminded him. Freddie felt his heart pound at the memory, but he ignored it. Was someone hurt at the plaza? Spencer let go of Freddie and they left the Groovy Smoothie

Freddie still had an immense pain in his ribs that he had forgotten about when he had been with Spencer. Placing a hand to his side, Freddie stopped moving as fast to the plaza. Spencer checked behind him, spotting the wounded Freddie. "Maybe I should get them to call another ambulance for you?" Spencer called through the rain, and Freddie detected a worried tone in his voice.

"I'm fine," Freddie argued, striking up the courage to follow Spencer into the plaza. He did _not _want to go to the hospital. All he wanted was to go back home.

As Freddie and Spencer entered the plaza, they realized they were not alone. Freddie could see all of his neighbors standing in the lobby, grim looks on their faces. Even Lewbert wasn't screaming. He actually looked depressed.

"Spencer…?" Freddie began, but Spencer whacked his arm and pointed to a gurney being taken down the elevator that went straight to the Shay apartment. Blind white shock pulsed through Freddie as he looked at Spencer, who looked terrified.

"Carly?" Spencer called into the crowd, sounding very strangled. As soon as the elevator door opened, Carly and Sam bounded out. Spotting Spencer, Carly ran straight to him. "Spencer!" she shouted, and then burst into tears.

Spencer held his sister tightly before pushing her back. "What's going on? Who's hurt?"

Carly shook her head, gasping at the ground. Sam explained instead, "I-it was…an accident, we didn't know what was g-going on…"

"Sam; what _happened_?" Spencer urged, shaking her slightly.

Sam's lower lip bulged out, and she glanced at Freddie once. Freddie felt himself freeze. "Mrs. Benson…" That's all Freddie needed to hear. The room suddenly became darker and before he knew it, Freddie had fainted.

* * *

**A/N: **Yepp. Poor Mrs. Benson. Her death will be explained in the next chapter. It was tragic, really, but certainly sets up for more Fencer moments! Pleeease review! I've gotten over 100 reads already for this story only being up for a day and only one person has reviewed. I tend to stop writing after a lack of reviews.


	6. Looking Back ?

**Title: **iWon't Let You Down

**Fandom: **iCarly

**Main Ship: **Spencer/Freddie

**Other Ships: **Carly/Sam, Spencer/Socko

**Genre(s): **Romance/Angst

**Rating: **M for mature themes and extreme angst

**Warnings: **slash, femslash, person 18+ in a relationship with someone under 18, self-injury (cutting), death

**Chapter Song: **Hurt by Christina Aguilera

**Author Note: **This is when it starts to get pretty angst-y and sad. But don't worry, it won't be long for the Fencer to kick in.

BTWs, how AWESOME was iGot A Hot Room? I LOVED it! That ice cream sandwich couch was amazing. I'm totally entering the contest to win it as soon as people stop flooding the site.

* * *

Freddie woke up in the hospital hours later. He had tubes stuck in different places, and a pad over his ribs. He tried to move, but his body was too stiff from lying on his back for five hours straight. Sighing, Freddie put a hand to his head, trying to remember what had happened before he passed out.

He remembered it raining. Freddie could see himself inside the Groovy Smoothie. He remembered Spencer coming in and holding him for a good while. Freddie's insides churned at the memory. He wanted it to happen again, and soon. It was the most amazing thing in the world, to be held by Spencer.

But why did Freddie faint? He worked his mind forward, trying to get past the intimate moment at the Groovy Smoothie. He remembered his ribs hurting. He remembered being in the rain. With Spencer.

The door to Freddie's hospital room opened, and Freddie looked around the open room. He realized that he was alone. Freddie tasted a sour taste in his mouth. Nobody cared enough about him to be in here with him?

"Hello, Freddie," the doctor said, an older man with gray hair. Freddie grimaced back. The doctor gave him a patient smile. "It's good that you're back in the land of the living. You had your friends worried sick about you."

"Yeah? What friends?" Freddie muttered irritably, rubbing his forehead.

"Why, the friends in the waiting room. Let me see…Carly and Spencer Shay, and Sam Puckett? They've been here for as long as you got in," the doctor explained. That didn't sound right. Why would Sam come visit Freddie in the hospital after she had been pretty much the reason he was in the hospital? Freddie thought. He had to have come here for some other reason than his ribs.

After a moment of silence as Freddie thought, the doctor continued gently, "Would you like to see them?" Freddie nodded vigorously, all previous annoyance with them evaporating. The doctor nodded, and ducked out of the door for a moment. He reappeared, this time joined by Carly, Sam and Spencer.

"Hi, Freddie," Carly said in a relieved tone, moving by his bedside, closely followed by Sam. Spencer hung by the door, his eyes never leaving Freddie.

"Hi, Carly. Sam," Freddie replied, casting a look over at Sam. She gave a short smile back.

"We're so glad you're okay, Freddie, you know, after…" but she stopped as soon as she received a warning look from the doctor. Freddie was confused. What were they keeping from him?

"Yeah," Sam cut in, "and look…I'm sorry about beating you up. Carly explained the situation to me and I understand now. I kind of jumped the gun," she admitted, looking defeated. Freddie nodded; it was as much as he expected from Sam anyway. He lifted a hand to set on top of hers. Sam smiled, holding his hand tightly. So tight it started to hurt.

"Ouch," Freddie cried, pulling his hand back. Sam then bent down and pecked Freddie on the cheek. He rolled his eyes. She smirked. Carly smiled.

Spencer did nothing. Freddie was starting to become a little concerned. Spencer had not said one thing since they had gotten into the room. He just looked like he was lost in space as he stared at Freddie's bed. Freddie moved his legs nervously and looked back at Sam and Carly.

They spoke amongst themselves for awhile. Freddie noticed Spencer sink silently into a chair near the front of the room after a couple of minutes. Freddie kept speaking to Carly and Sam in earnest, trying to ignore the ebbing feeling of Spencer watching him. It was unnerving.

After awhile, the doctor told the girls that they would have to leave. Carly and Sam both embraced Freddie before leaving the room. Carly stopped at the door, saying, "Spence, aren't you coming?"

"In a few minutes," Spencer responded, his voice scratchy. Freddie felt his heart race, something he couldn't hide, for the heart monitor above his bed started beeping like crazy. The doctor looked sternly at Spencer.

"Maybe you should leave," the doctor told him, but Freddie waved his hands.

"No, please, just for a little bit," Freddie begged, looking from the doctor back to Spencer. The doctor shrugged and left the room with the girls, taking a clipboard with him.

Spencer moved towards the bed like a zombie. He rested his hands on the metal bar of Freddie's bed. Freddie reached out to grab Spencer's hands, but he couldn't reach that far.

"Spencer, you're scaring the hell out of me," Freddie whispered, trying to sit up. His ribs started aching, and Freddie was forced to lay back down. Spencer reached out to trace his finger on the back of Freddie's hand.

"They don't want me to tell you," Spencer started, staring at Freddie's hand, "but I think you'd rather hear it from someone you know than a stupid _doctor_," he let out, looking furious as he lifted his hand from Freddie's.

"Spencer…" Freddie murmured, not sure if he was ready for what he was about to hear.

Spencer looked at him, his face downcast as he said, "It's your mom, Freddie. I guess when we were at the Groovy Smoothie, she started freaking out and Carly and Sam told her to eat something to make her calm down and…and she choked," Spencer paused, swallowing and looking up towards the ceiling. Freddie was frozen in shock. Spencer kept going, "she…well, she…the girls didn't know what was happening and then she just…died."

One breath. Two breath. Three breath.

Freddie started shaking, sobs rising in his throat. He couldn't make a noise. His misery was far too deep for him to make noise. His mother was _dead_. His mother was dead because of _him_. Freddie turned away from Spencer, but no tears came. He couldn't cry. Freddie couldn't stop himself from trembling repeatedly, but he couldn't cry.

Spencer was crying, however. Tears slipped down his cheeks rapidly as he placed a hand on Freddie's face. "Freddie, it'll be o-okay…I promise you…it will be okay…" Freddie shook his head, closing his eyes tightly. This couldn't be happening. But Freddie could now remember walking into the lobby with Spencer, seeing the gurney on the elevator. Seeing Carly and Sam _without_ his mother. He would never see his mother again.

Freddie sat up, trying to get out of the bed. "You're lying, she's not gone," Freddie told himself more than Spencer. Spencer reached for him, but Freddie fought him off. "YOU'RE WRONG!" he screamed, half in the pain now coming from his side. Freddie tried to leave the bed, but Spencer had him locked in a grip between his arms. "SPENCER LET GO! SPENCER!" Freddie shouted, trying to wriggle from Spencer's grasp. "SPENCER!" he tried again, this time feeling tears flood down from his eyes. Freddie hiccupped, stopping his movement, "Spencer…" Freddie choked out, falling against Spencer's chest. He could feel Spencer shaking against him until the doctor came in and asked Spencer to leave.

* * *

The funeral occurred a few days after Freddie left the hospital. He tried to speak as little as possible, trying not to set off anything deep inside him. Freddie returned from the funeral with the Shay's and Sam, trying not to listen to whatever they were saying.

Carly and Sam walked inside the apartment, leaving Freddie out in the hall with Spencer. Freddie took out his house key and tried to put it in the lock, but Spencer stopped him. "Didn't you hear what I said earlier today, Freddie?" Spencer asked kindly, pulling the key from Freddie's hand. "I said you were going to stay with me and Carly now."

"Oh," Freddie replied blankly, turning towards the Shay's apartment, "right."

Spencer cast a worried look at Freddie before opening the door of the apartment, letting Freddie walk in before him. He was greeted by Carly and Sam holding up several plates of food. "Look, we made all your favorites!" Carly exclaimed in a struggled tone of brightness. Sam nodded as she popped a berry into her mouth. Spencer shut the door behind him, throwing his suit jacket on the couch.

"Thanks, guys, but I'm not hungry," Freddie told them, walking by them to sit on the couch. Carly and Sam turned towards him, setting down the plates with a sigh.

"Freddie, you have to eat," Sam told him, biting into a leg of fried chicken as she said so, "it's not healthy."

"No, what's not healthy is that I have to live with the fact that I killed my own mother," Freddie snapped, putting his head in his hands. Damn. He promised himself he wouldn't speak of it.

Carly sat down next to Freddie. "Me and Sam are just as responsible as you are," she told him guiltily, "if we had heard her choking, we could have helped her."

Spencer added, "And if I had called her when I said I would, she wouldn't have freaked out."

"And if I hadn't given her a chicken wing, she wouldn't have even choked," Sam told Freddie, eyeing him with a concerned expression.

Freddie shrugged. He couldn't listen to their reasons. The ultimate reason was that Freddie left in the first place. He didn't even get to say goodbye. He just yelled at his mother and said awful things. How could Freddie live with himself?

Sam broke the tense silence. "Here, let's get your mind off of it; we'll watch Celebrities Underwater-"

"No," Freddie snarled, taking the remote from her quickly. "My mom hates that show."

Silence flooded the apartment once more. Then, Sam once more broke it, heading for the stairs. "Come on, Carly, let's just leave him alone," she said, but not in a way that made Freddie feel offended. He wanted to be alone anyway. Carly leaned over and gripped his hand tightly before walking up the stairs to join Sam.

Freddie watched as Spencer took a seat next to him, running a hand nervously through his dark hair. Freddie looked away from the older man, staring at the blank TV screen. Out of the corner of his eye, Freddie could see Spencer opening his mouth several times and then shutting it, as if he had to say something. Finally, he spoke.

"You can stay in my room," Spencer told Freddie, eyeing him. Freddie was slightly taken aback. Spencer wanted Freddie to stay in his room with him? But this hope was shortly smashed when Spencer added, "I'll sleep on the couch."

"No thank you," Freddie replied sourly, throwing the remote he had taken from Sam on the spot beside him. Of course Spencer wouldn't want to stay in the same room as him after Freddie had stupidly poured his heart out a week previously. As annoyed as Freddie was, he was happy that his attraction towards Spencer was distracting him from the fact that his mother was dead.

Spencer rested a hand on Freddie's shoulder comfortingly, beginning to speak, "Listen, Freddie, I know it's tough now-"

Whipping around angrily, Freddie reached for Spencer's hand, grasping it so tight that Spencer cried out. "Don't even think you understand a fraction of what I'm going through," Freddie warned, throwing Spencer's hand back into the artist's chest. Spencer flinched, staring at Freddie like he was insane. Freddie stood up and marched out of the apartment, making for his own.

Freddie didn't mean to snap at Spencer. He wasn't in control of any of his emotions lately. Normally, Freddie would just ignore the conversation and keep to himself, but he felt the need to jump down everyone's throats - he didn't know why. Freddie groaned irritably, reaching into his pocket to pull out a key to shove in the lock.

The door behind Freddie opened. Freddie turned to see Spencer leaning against the door frame, his eyes on the ground. Freddie ignored him and turned back around, putting his key in the lock.

"You know, the first time I met your mother, I hated her," Spencer said quietly. Freddie stopped moving. "She was bossy, over-protective, addicted to boring stuff, and she hated my art work. I didn't know how I was going to live in this building with her across the hall," Spencer paused, and Freddie could hear his footsteps nearing. Freddie swallowed.

"I never knew my mom," Spencer admitted sadly, "but whenever I imagined what my mom would look like, she always had your mom's face," Freddie dropped the key by accident, but he didn't bend over to pick it up. Spencer let out a soft sight. "I guess what I'm trying to say is that…I feel like I lost a mom, too."

Freddie stared at the door for several moments. Spencer was silent and patient as Freddie slowly tried to take in what Spencer had said. Then, Freddie bent down to pick up the key he had dropped. He then turned around. Spencer looked so dramatic and tragic with his white oxford tucked into his black suit pants, his tie slightly askew. Freddie reached out to grab Spencer's hand. He unfolded the fist and placed the key to his apartment in Spencer's palm.

"Thank you," Freddie murmured, not looking at Spencer as he sidled by him, walking back into Spencer's apartment. He didn't see Spencer smile lightly and slip the key in his pocket, whispering tenderly, "No problemo, Freddo."

* * *

**A/N: **Aw! I love Fencer! And thanks for all of the reviews so far, I love them! There's still a while longer for this story to be finished, so expect a lot more chapters. More Cam coming up, and the next chapter will prove to be very good for the progress of Fencer. Keep reading!


	7. Need You Now ?

**Title: **iWon't Let You Down

**Fandom: **iCarly

**Main Ship: **Spencer/Freddie

**Other Ships: **Carly/Sam, Spencer/Socko

**Genre(s): **Romance/Angst

**Rating: **M for mature themes and extreme angst

**Warnings: **slash, femslash, person 18+ in a relationship with someone under 18, self-injury (cutting), death

**Chapter Song: **Need You Now by Lady Antebellum

**Author Note: **Yay, this chapter thus starts a certain artist feeling a certain feeling for a certain troubled teen. Plus, more Cam (which is so awkward for me to write, but whatever). On with the show!

* * *

Carly slammed the door to her room after Sam entered. "God, I can't handle this," Carly sighed, falling on top of her bed. "It's so hard to see Freddie like this. I don't think he'll ever be the same again!" Carly rested her hands on top of her head, wiping hair from her face.

Sam pulled out a bag of gummy worms, biting them with a nervous energy. "I know…I never thought I'd say this, but I really wish Freddie was happy," Sam confessed, falling on the bed beside Carly. She pushed her long blonde hair out of her eyes, letting it fall onto Carly's dark tresses.

Carly nodded, biting her lip. She wondered what Spencer and Freddie were doing now. She really hoped there could be someway they could cheer Freddie up, but how do you make someone happy after their mother died? Carly remembered Freddie's face at the funeral. She couldn't even remember what Freddie smiling looked like.

Sam rolled onto her side, reaching over to push a few strands of hair out of Carly's eyes. "He'll get through this, Carls. We all will," she promised, sitting up on the bed. Carly groaned and put her head in Sam's lap. Sam pet her head gently, playing with her hair to distract them both. It worked. Carly sat up, looking Sam straight in the eye.

"Sam…" Carly started, pausing to glance at the door, "I want you to trust me. I know you've had problems with me since the whole Freddie fiasco, but I need you to know that it was a stupid mistake and I'm sorry," she let out, reaching down to take Sam's hands in her own. "Besides, I wished it was you the whole time," Carly added, smiling slightly.

Sam smirked and pushed Carly back onto the bed, crawling on top of her. "That's good enough for me," Sam responded before kissing Carly full on the mouth. Carly kissed her back, reaching up to wrap her arms around Sam's neck.

Sam ran her hands down Carly's body, stopping to wrap around her behind. Carly fidgeted to allow her access. Sam kissed Carly's neck, smiling against the pale skin.

"Is it wrong to be doing this with my brother downstairs?" Carly asked, pulling Sam up to her eye level. Sam nodded.

"But doing things wrong is what makes life fun," Sam amended, kissing Carly to silence her. Carly grinned against Sam's mouth and flipped her over, taking her turn to be the dominant one. Sam let out a breath, and then smiled. "You're mine, Carly Shay."

* * *

The night was the hardest time Freddie. Without his mom tucking him in and making him feel safe, Freddie felt as if sleep would never come. He stayed in the darkness of the Shay's living room and was forced to stare at the door that he had seen his mother come running through so many times before. There were too many reminders. Freddie rolled over, putting his pillow over his head.

Freddie could almost hear his mother's voice coming from their apartment. _Brush your teeth, Freddie, don't forget to floss, Freddie. Good night, Freddie. Have sweet dreams, Freddie._

"Argh!" Freddie groaned, beating the pillow on his head roughly. Insomnia was his worst enemy.

But eventually, Freddie did fall asleep. He tossed and turned on the uncomfortably small couch, but sleep couldn't evade him forever. However, sleep was sometimes worse than reality. All Freddie dreamt about was his mother.

Or for better terms, lack thereof. Every single dream had Freddie in some horrid place, whether it be a dungeon, a pyramid or Antarctica. All Freddie wanted to do in the dream was find his mother, but he never could. She was never there, and Freddie could feel himself going insane trying to look for her.

Thrashing around wildly, Freddie woke up, breathing heavily. He told himself it was just a dream over and over again until he believed it. Then, Freddie swung his legs over the side of the couch. He just couldn't take it anymore.

Freddie glanced at the clock. It was a little past one in the morning. Standing up, Freddie threw his blankets back down on the couch as he made his way towards Spencer's room. He had done this once before and he knew it would be okay for him to do it again. Still, it made Freddie nervous to be interrupting Spencer's sleep.

Freddie caught sight of light creeping out from underneath Spencer's door. Frowning, Freddie knocked on the door once. He was greeted by a small "Come in!" in Spencer's tired voice. Freddie opened the door slowly. He spotted Spencer sitting down behind a desk, his hands covered in a white paste.

"Hey, Freddo," Spencer greeted, smiling before returning to his current sculpture. It looked like a basketball and golf ball combined. Freddie didn't ask. He instead closed the door behind him and stood awkwardly in front of it.

Spencer glanced over, his expression sympathetic. "Don't want to be alone tonight?" Spencer assumed, giving Freddie a knowing glance. Freddie ignored the question.

"Why are you still up?" Freddie asked. "It's after one."

"Yes, but the creative muse knows no time limits," Spencer answered, pointing to his sculpture. "This is the basket golf crown!" he whispered in awe, staring at his artwork. Freddie nodded, sleepiness creeping up on him again. Spencer noticed.

Standing up, Spencer walked towards Freddie, pulling him towards the bed. "Lie down, kiddo," Spencer told him, patting the bed. Freddie gratefully fell upon it, snuggling up to Spencer's pillow. He could smell the familiar cologne scent. It smelled just as good as it had a week ago, even without the rain. Content at last, Freddie's eyes flickered shut.

"Spencer…" Freddie sighed, rolling over tiredly to glance at Spencer, "don't leave."

Spencer leaned down to tap Freddie's chest in assurance. "I wasn't planning on it," Spencer said truthfully, pulling the covers up over Freddie as the teen fell asleep. Spencer moved back towards his sculpture, spending a good forty five minutes to put the finishing touches on it.

Once he was finished, Spencer yawned and swiveled in his chair, looking at Freddie. Freddie was completely knocked out, breathing peacefully and steadily. Spencer got up from his chair, throwing off his shirt and slipping on a dark wife beater. He then carefully slipped into the bed beside Freddie, pulling the sheets up over his body. Feeling something weird down by his foot, Spencer jerked slightly, propelling himself to hover over Freddie.

Realizing he was almost on top of Freddie, Spencer tried to get off, but he paused. The way Freddie looked while he was sleeping touched something deep down inside Spencer that wasn't related to his creative muse. Spencer watched as Freddie breathed through parted lips, his eyes flickering every once and awhile. Spencer was entranced. Raising a hand slowly, Spencer brushed some of Freddie's hair from across his forehead.

Falling back on his side, Spencer leaned over Freddie slightly. He continued to gently stroke Freddie's hair, until his finger found it's way to Freddie's cheek. Spencer rubbed the back of his hand there, gliding it smoothly across Freddie's cheek. Spencer felt his heart racing; he realized with a pang that he had a sick desire to put his lips to Freddie's skin.

What? _No! _Spencer thought furiously, pulling his hand away. He couldn't be attracted to Freddie. That was impossible. Freddie was more than ten years younger than him. Freddie was illegal. Freddie was…well, Freddie. But somehow Spencer couldn't look away from Freddie's sleeping form. He wanted to be there for Freddie. Spencer wanted to hold him again. He wanted to comfort him and protect him from every evil in the world. Spencer started to realize that he needed Freddie just like Freddie needed him.

Spencer pulled himself away from Freddie, rocking slightly as he realized what was happening. He was falling for Freddie. Spencer was falling for Freddie Benson. Spencer tried to snap out of it. He got off the bed quickly, letting out a small victory sound. From the bed, Freddie let out a moan as the covers left his body.

Rushing back to the bed, Spencer covered Freddie once more, making sure every inch of Freddie's chest was under the sheets. Spencer smiled at Freddie's form, reaching out to caress Freddie's face again. Oh yeah, Spencer was screwed.

**A/N: **This chapter was very short, I apologize, but I'm very tired. I've been having insomnia lately too like our poor friend Freddie. So, remember to review!


	8. Make Me Wonder ?

**Title: **iWon't Let You Down

**Fandom: **iCarly

**Main Ship: **Spencer/Freddie

**Other Ships: **Carly/Sam, Spencer/Socko

**Genre(s): **Romance/Angst

**Rating: **M for mature themes and extreme angst

**Warnings: **slash, femslash, person 18+ in a relationship with someone under 18, self-injury (cutting), death

**Chapter Song: **Why Can't I by Liz Phair

**Author Note: **Back with a new chapter! I think I'm going to start a Seddie after this fic is done, perhaps Spam. I actually had an idea for a Creddie vs. Seddie fic. It would take place on a cruise ship. Hmm. I'll have to plot it out. But, let's focus on this story for now. It will most likely not take me much longer to finish. I'll probably have it done by the end of August. Let's hope!

* * *

Spencer awoke the next morning in a very compromising position; his head was resting on Freddie's shoulder and his arm was draped across the younger man's chest. Startled and blushing, Spencer silently moved away from Freddie, leaving the warmth of the bed behind him. Freddie frowned in his sleep and shifted on the bed. Spencer watched him for a moment, and then glanced at the clock.

6:37. That would mean Carly should be getting ready for school. Spencer glanced at the ceiling as he thought to himself. How would he ensure that Carly didn't find out about Freddie sleeping in his room? Spencer didn't even want to think of his little sister's reaction to that information. Spencer clapped his hands together as an idea came to him, and he rushed from his room, closing the door firmly behind him.

Reaching the kitchen, Spencer pulled out several ingredients to make omelets. He would distract Carly with deliciousness. Plus, Freddie could have some when he woke up. Spencer cast a worried glance at his door; what if Freddie woke up before Carly left?

As Spencer cooked the omelets as quickly but professionally as he could, he heard Carly's soft footsteps down the stairs. He glanced at the foot of the stairs as she came down stairs, her dark hair pulled back into a pony tail that complimented the girly dress she was sporting.

"Hey, kiddo," Spencer smiled, holding up the pan of omelets, "who wants breakfast?"

Carly grinned and bounced over, taking a whiff of what Spencer was cooking. "Mmm, smells great, Spence!" Carly exclaimed, giving him a brief side hug. She glanced around, noticing the heap of sheets on the couch. "Where's Freddie?"

Damn, she wasn't distracted. Spencer decided to improvise, "Uh, he got up like twenty minutes ago and thought the view from my room was better to fall asleep to, so he's in there. Yeah," Spencer lied lamely. He had never been a good liar. Carly scrunched her eyebrows in confusion. Uh oh, bye bye Spencer. She was going to be _so_ suspicious.

But Carly didn't seem preoccupied by the location of where Freddie was sleeping. "Isn't Freddie going to school?"

"No," Spencer answered, relieved. "He's taking the week off, you know, to get used to…stuff," Spencer told her, shrugging. That was completely true. Freddie was actually taking the week off and spending it at the apartment. Spencer wasn't complaining. He got lonely when Carly was at school. Besides, Spencer secretly loved spending time with Freddie. Way too much than he should of.

Carly nodded, her interrogation seemingly over. She reached for an omelet and scooped it onto a clean plate. She sat at the table and ate it, murmuring in delight from it's taste. Spencer watched her like a hawk, taking small turns to look at the clock. When was she going to leave?

As if she heard his thoughts, Carly rose from the table, collecting her plate and napkin. Spencer jumped in front of her, "Oh no, don't worry, I got it," he said hurriedly, snatching the plate from her. Carly shot him a big smile.

"Well, aren't you the best big brother ever!" Carly said happily, and Spencer gave a small laugh before throwing the plate in the trash.

Carly stared at him. "Um…Spencer?"

"Yeah?" Spencer asked, running a hand through his hair nervously.

"You just threw out a glass plate," Carly informed him, pointing at the trash. Spencer glanced at it, and then groaned, leaning over to scoop it out. Why was he so anxious about being alone with Freddie? It wasn't natural. Spencer had hardly felt this nervous about a _date_ before.

Carly seemed to sense something was wrong. "Spencer, are you oka-"

The door to the Shay apartment suddenly opened, and a blur of curly blonde hair came running in. "CARLY! Guess what!" Sam exclaimed, jumping up and down excitedly.

"What?" Carly returned with equal enthusiasm, running over to meet her friend.

"I don't have to go to school today! I was supposed to go to the doctor, but he canceled, so I have the whole day off!" Sam shouted, twirling around. Carly groaned.

"Aw, now I have to go to school without you _and _Freddie!" Carly sighed, sitting on the couch grumpily. Sam sat next to her.

"Why isn't Freddie going to school?" she asked, glancing around. "Hey, where is Freddie?"

"He's very, very sick!" Spencer shouted at them, hurrying over to pull the two girls off of the couch. They stood up, looking as confused as fish out of water.

"Wait, Freddie's sick?" Carly asked, suspicion in her voice for the first time. "I thought he was taking an emotional break, not a physical one."

"Well, it's the same thing, when you get down to it," Spencer covered, flailing his hands. Carly crossed her arms.

"Spencer, what's going on?"

"Nothing."

"Liar."

"Psh, he can't lie," Sam intervened.

"What she said!"

"Spencer!"

"_Nothing!"_

"Spencer…"

"Yes?"

"WHAT'S GOING ON?"

"NOTHING!"

Carly smacked Spencer's arm. "I think something is wrong with Freddie that you're not telling me!" she accused, pointing a finger at him. Spencer glanced at the door to his room. If Freddie woke up…

"Look, nothing is wrong with Freddie, I just need you guys to leave," Spencer told her exasperatingly. All he wanted to do was crawl back into bed. _Why_ couldn't they just _leave_?

Sam moaned, "Aw, I was actually hoping I could chill out here today, you know, and watch you sculpt something," she looked extremely put out.

Spencer shook his head, "Any day that'd be great, Sam, but today is the day I go to the Seattle Art Show and I need you guys to leave so I can get my stuff ready," he explained, realizing that the truth would've been a lot easier to go with. Carly agreed.

"Why didn't you just tell me that when I woke up?" Carly asked as if testing Spencer's sanity.

"Because I'm stupid and you're smart?" Spencer responded, smirking as he humored her. Carly grinned.

"Whatever, we'll just go then," Carly reasoned, picking up her backpack. "Let's go, Sam."

"Huh! What am I going to do all day?" Sam whined, stamping her feet as she left the apartment.

Spencer dramatically swept a hand across his forehead. That had taken _way _too much energy. Spencer walked towards the space next to the stairs, sorting through his already made sculptures. He was going to take the best one he could find to the Seattle Art Show. Spencer hadn't originally planned on going, thinking he was going to take care of Freddie instead, but he had to go along with the story he had fed Carly and Sam. He didn't want to be a liar.

As Spencer sifted through his art work, the door to his bedroom open. Whipping back quickly, Spencer caught sight of Freddie rubbing his eyes at his doorframe. "Well good morning, Freddo!" Spencer greeted, walking over towards him. Spencer was surprised by how fast his heart rate was speeding up and how he was transfixed with Freddie's ruffled bed head. Shaking himself, Spencer pointed towards the kitchen table. "I made you an omelet."

Freddie smiled briefly, but his eternally morose expression returned just as quick. "Thanks," he said, strutting slowly over to the table. Spencer watched him as he walked and was mesmerized. How had he not realized it before? Freddie was _adorable. _Absolutely adorable. Spencer knew he was hooked. There wasn't one thing he wouldn't do to make the kid happy.

Spencer watched in content as Freddie's face lightened up as he bit into his omelet. "Wow, Spence, this is awesome!" he exclaimed, looking up to meet Spencer's eyes from across the apartment. Spencer grinned.

"Yeah, I wanted you to experience a good breakfast before we go out," Spencer explained, looking back towards his sculptures. He heard Freddie cut into his omelet.

"Go out?" Freddie asked, sounding puzzled.

Spencer half-turned, nodding. "I'm taking you to the Seattle Art Show," he informed Freddie, looking back to a random piece of artwork in front of him, "and I think I'm going to submit _this_ one."

Freddie walked over, a plate of omelet in his hand. As he surveyed the art work, Spencer couldn't help but watch Freddie. Freddie pointed at the art work with his free hand. "I thought that was the one you made for me," Freddie said.

Spencer looked back towards his selection. It was indeed the rainbow mannequin he had made for Freddie a few weeks back. Flushing slightly, Spencer shrugged, "Yeah, it was the inspiration, you know…the colors and yeah…"

Freddie sighed. "Spencer, you don't have to submit something you don't want to just for me," he told him, looking a little downcast. Spencer felt a tug in his stomach as he looked at Freddie's expression.

Striding over to stand directly in front of Freddie, Spencer made sure Freddie was looking directly into his eyes. "I want to submit this," Spencer assured him, reaching out to take Freddie's hips in his hands. Spencer watched as Freddie froze, his breath getting caught in his throat. "It reminds me of you," Spencer whispered, tucking his thumbs over Freddie's pajama pants and rubbing his thumbs across Freddie's skin. Freddie let out a shivering breath, closing his eyes.

Spencer suddenly remembered himself.

Stepping back from Freddie, Spencer turned away from him, looking at his art work. How did he lose himself like that? Spencer just did something totally wrong, and totally illegal! Internally kicking himself, Spencer tried to distract Freddie, "Go get changed so we can leave after you finish breakfast."

"Um…okay," Freddie responded slowly, putting the plate down to sidle past Spencer and make for his bedroom. Spencer watched him go. As soon as Freddie shut the door, Spencer sank to the ground, putting his head in his hands.

* * *

**A/N: **Ooh, that was longer than I planned. I was just going to write Freddie/Spencer going to the show, but Carly and Sam wanted to be in the chapter so…they were. But review!


	9. Looks Can Be Deceiving ?

**Title: **iWon't Let You Down

**Fandom: **iCarly

**Main Ship: **Spencer/Freddie

**Other Ships: **Carly/Sam, Spencer/Socko

**Genre(s): **Romance/Angst

**Rating: **M for mature themes and extreme angst

**Warnings: **slash, femslash, person 18+ in a relationship with someone under 18, self-injury (cutting), death

**Chapter Song: **Hey Stephen by Taylor Swift

**Author Note: **And without further ado, enter Fencer! Oh, and if there really is a Seattle Art Show, it's not supposed to be this. This is just an art show I created. Sorry, Seattle-readers!

* * *

Freddie wasn't looking forward to Spencer's art show. He was tired, grumpy and just overall in a less than okay mood. He was grateful that Spencer had called the school to inform them of his prolonged absence. He was extremely glad that Spencer was letting him stay in the apartment. But Freddie was not, _not _happy about going to the Seattle Art Show.

Maybe he was being a little bit selfish, but his mother just died, didn't she? Freddie felt the familiar sinking feeling in his gut as he thought of his mother. Would it ever go away? Freddie sighed, pulling his shirt off and rifling through his bag of clothes. Freddie would do anything to go back a month in time. Before he came out to Spencer. Before Carly and Sam had ignored him. Before his mother had died.

A sudden thought struck Freddie; now that his mother was in the astral plane, wouldn't that mean she'd know he was bisexual? Freddie shivered, looking around Spencer's room cautiously as if expecting his mother to be standing behind him with a battle axe. How would Freddie ever lose his virginity if he half-expected his mom's ghost to be standing next to the bed and yelling at him the whole time?

Like when Spencer had unexpectedly come onto Freddie just moments before. Freddie was sure of it. Spencer had totally grabbed him and caressed him, it was so plain to see. But why? Freddie knew that Spencer would never want him. Spencer had _told_ him that. So what brought on the sudden change?

A knock on the door interrupted Freddie's musings. "Hey, Freddie, we have to leave in like five minutes," Spencer's voice came through the door, sounding a little impatient. Freddie glared at the door.

"Alright, alright, give me a minute," Freddie returned irritably, scowling at his bag as he pulled out a pair of jeans. Freddie knew it wasn't right to be treating Spencer so badly. Freddie couldn't help it. He had a permanent bad mood that he couldn't control. Freddie threw a remorseful look at the door before sliding into his jeans.

As soon as Freddie had finished dressing, he exited the room with low spirits. Even seeing Spencer all lively and artsy didn't cheer him up. Spencer frowned at him briefly before clapping him on the arm, "Cheer up, buddy, you're going to be astounded with some amazing art work today!"

"Yeah," Freddie said unenthusiastically. He looked around the apartment. "Where's the sculpture?"

"I already brought it down to the van," Spencer told him, picking up the plate of omelets that hadn't been eaten and discarding them. Freddie helped him clean up by picking up a towel. "We have to go pick up Socko before we get there."

Freddie threw the towel on the counter, shaking his head. "Nope, nuh uh, no way am I going if _he's_ going," Freddie muttered, crossing his arms. He didn't even care what Spencer was thinking. Freddie was already undergoing enough negative emotions. He would not add jealousy to the list.

Spencer shrugged, moving around Freddie to head towards the door. "Fine, then you don't have to come," Spencer reasoned, grabbing a coat and throwing it over himself.

"Fine, I didn't want to go anyway," Freddie retorted angrily.

"Fine!" Spencer responded furiously, exiting the apartment and slamming the door behind him. Freddie could still hear the echoing slam even after Spencer's footsteps had faded. Sighing, Freddie put a hand to his head. What had he done?

Running after Spencer, Freddie flew out of the apartment, jogging down the eight levels of stairs until he reached the lobby. He spotted Spencer pulling out of the parking lot in a large van that Freddie never knew he owned. Sprinting from the lobby, Freddie ran straight into the back of Spencer's car.

Freddie saw spots as he hit the ground, blinking heavily. The car stopped. Freddie was distinctly reminded of the night at the Groovy Smoothie as Spencer leaned over him, shaking him roughly. "Freddie!" Spencer shouted, his face full of shock and fear. Freddie couldn't help but stare into Spencer's dark eyes. He felt as if he was going to get lost in there.

Pushing Spencer aside, Freddie stood up, wiping dirt off of himself. How did he always manage to embarrass himself around Spencer? It was as if he were an accident waiting to happen whenever the Spencer was around. Freddie became severely annoyed, but he tried to contain himself for Spencer's sake.

"Let's just go to the art show," Freddie said sourly, walking around Spencer to make for the passenger seat. If he had to put with Socko being there, he would at least have to be riding shot gun. Spencer didn't seem to mind. He just buckled himself up wordlessly and pulled the car out, successfully avoiding running teenagers.

The car ride was silent. Spencer kept glancing over at Freddie as if he was going to burst into flame, which Freddie knew was a possibility seeing as most things Spencer touched seemed to catch flame. Freddie was too focused on picturing Socko to even respond to Spencer's looks. Would Socko be the fat redneck Freddie imagined him to be? Freddie hoped so. He hoped Socko was balding and sweaty and gross. But then, why would Spencer be dating him?

The phone in Spencer's pocket started beeping. Freddie watched him claw at it blindly before looking down to slide it out of his pocket. Freddie caught glimpse of the caller ID, and rolled his eyes. Spencer opened the phone, "Hey Socko, what's-" There was a pause. Then, a sigh. "No, it's fine, whatever. I'll just go without you," Spencer said in a slightly bruised voice. There was some murmuring from the other line until Spencer interrupted it with a, "You too, buddy, take care."

"So Socko isn't coming?" Freddie asked, trying to suppress the hope in his voice.

"Nope," Spencer replied, looking downcast, "Penny got into some legal trouble with her tees so he's bailing her out of jail," he explained, taking a turn.

Freddie frowned. "I would think you'd be excited about someone you know getting in legal trouble. So you could be all lawyer!Spencer."

Spencer shook his head. "I have to focus on this art show. It's muy important-o," he said, combing the street with his eyes. Freddie sat back in his seat. He wasn't complaining. Less time with Socko meant more time with Freddie. Smiling to himself lightly, Freddie looked out of the window, watching people jog down the city streets. Spencer chuckled. "What are you so chipper about?"

"Oh, nothing," Freddie replied happily, "just excited for this art show."

Spencer gave him a heart wrenching grin before turning back to the road. Before long, they arrived at the art show. Freddie helped Spencer unload that mannequin and roll it into the arena. Spencer's booth was right near the center of the action. Apparently Spencer paid extra for the spot. Freddie put on his brave face. This art show really did mean a lot to Spencer.

Spencer was put into the sculpture category. Judges selected winners from each category and then picked one piece to be the overall winner, making the runner up in the category of the winner the new winner of that category. Spencer kept ranting on how elite the show was. Freddie understood the rules, but looking around, he spotted some pretty awesome art.

"Wow, Spence, look at that," Freddie pointed to a waffle the size of a car with fake try dye syrup. Spencer waved a hand impatiently and try to make improvements to his sculpture.

After a few hours of anticipation, the judges announced the winners of each category. "…and the winner from the sculpture category is…Ronnie Smithers!" Freddie watched sadly as the man with the large waffle rolled his waffle to the stage, taking the trophy happily. Freddie looked back at Spencer, who looked extremely morose. Freddie grabbed Spencer's hand, squeezing it comfortingly. Spencer gave him a small smile, but still looked put out.

The judges cleared the stage, and then brought out a huge trophy and blue ribbon. Spencer refused to watch, so Freddie kept his eyes glued to the stage, although what he really wanted to be looking at was his hand intertwined with Spencer's. The main judge went to the microphone. "And the overall winner for the Seattle Art Show with the finest piece of art is…Spencer Shay!"

Spencer gasped, and Freddie broke out into a laugh. "Spencer, you did it!" he cried, hugging Spencer tightly. Spencer hugged Freddie back robotically and then wheeled his sculpture up to the front. Freddie watched in pride as Spencer was given the trophy and the ribbon. Spencer looked like he had just won Miss America. Freddie was bursting with joy that he hadn't felt since his mother died. Seeing Spencer so happy and amazed was just so worth it, plus it was something that had been inspired by Freddie!

The way home was much more exciting that the way to the art show. Spencer had a cash prize of 5,000 dollars in the backseat, along with his trophy and ribbon. The mannequin was now on display in downtown Seattle. Spencer blasted the radio, singing along to the poppy girl tunes with enthusiasm. Freddie laughed so hard he feared his stomach would explode. He never wanted the night to end.

Once they returned to the loft, Spencer did a weird sort of jig into his room as he stored the money away. Freddie looked at the clock. It was only noon time. The girls wouldn't be back from school for three hours.

Spencer ran back into the living room, clapping his hands together. "How 'bout some bubbly?" Spencer exclaimed, grinning ear to ear as he pounced into the kitchen. Freddie laughed lightly.

"I'm only sixteen, Spence, I can't drink," he reminded Spencer, leaning over the counter where the computer was. Spencer leaned over it as well, pouring two tall glasses of champagne.

"Ah, it's only one glass, you'll just get a little tipsy," Spencer shrugged, putting the bottle to the side and handing Freddie a glass. Spencer then held his glass high. "We shall toast…to you!" Spencer said, winking at Freddie. "Without you, I wouldn't have made that award winning piece of art!"

"Yeah, but you _did_ make an award winning piece of art, so we should toast to you," Freddie told him.

Spencer beamed. "Fine, to us!"

Freddie smiled weakly. "To us," he repeated, clinking glasses with Spencer. If only Spencer meant that in the way Freddie wanted him to. Freddie drank the champagne, tasting the sweet yet sour combination. It tasted fantastic. Freddie took another sip, and another, until finally the glass was empty. Spencer's glass had been empty by the first sip.

"Wanna watch TV?" Freddie asked Spencer, pointing to the set in the living room. Spencer nodded and followed Freddie into the living room, skipping behind him. Freddie laughed as he sat on the couch, picking up the remote. Spencer sat down so close to Freddie that there sides were completely touching. Freddie sucked in a breath, but focused on the remote.

"You know, Freddie, I really meant what I said," Spencer told him, and Freddie looked at him, forgetting about the TV. His eyes were piercing Freddie's. "You were the reason I won this show."

"No, Spencer, you made that mannequin, you deserved it," Freddie argued.

"No," Spencer sighed, resting his head back on the couch, "I wasn't going to submit that piece at all. I was going to submit the basket golf crown," he explained, his eyes finding Freddie's once more. Then, Spencer smiled gently. "But I wanted to submit the mannequin because I knew you would be prouder if I won with that."

Freddie put the remote down. He leaned over Spencer slightly, looking into his eyes. "I would've been just as proud even if you hadn't won," Freddie murmured softly, smiling. Spencer gave the smallest of smiles, as if wasn't supposed to smile. But Freddie thought it was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. Freddie couldn't take it any more. Leaning down, Freddie pressed his lips to Spencer's.

Shock coursed through Freddie's veins at his own actions. What was he doing? Impulse control! But all of those thoughts faded as he tasted Spencer's lips. They tasted so much more amazing than Freddie had ever dreamed they would. Freddie was about to pull away and apologize until he felt Spencer's hands on his hips, pushing him back into the couch. Spencer leaned over Freddie, kissing his mouth back gently.

Freddie tangled his fingers in Spencer's hair as he parted his lips, hesitantly sliding a tongue across Spencer's lower lip. Spencer's mouth opened, and their tongues met. Freddie let out a moan and entered Spencer's mouth, becoming familiar with the territory. Freddie pushed Spencer back onto the couch and climbed on top of him, straddling Spencer's waist. This time, Spencer let out a throaty moan and wrapped his arms around Freddie's waist. Spencer left Freddie's lips and kissed down his throat, his tongue massaging the skin there. Freddie let out small noises of content, grinding himself into Spencer.

"Freddie…" Spencer moaned, finding his way to Freddie's mouth. Freddie kissed him, biting his lower lip. Spencer let out a loud moan before his eyes widened. "Freddie!" Suddenly, Freddie found himself on the floor. Jumping up from the couch, Spencer shot Freddie a scared look before running into his bedroom, locking the door behind him.

"Spencer!" Freddie called, scrambling to his feet as he followed Spencer. He pounded on the door, calling Spencer's name. There was no reply.

Freddie sank to the ground, putting his head in his hands. What did he do?

* * *

**A/N: **Aw, poor confused Spencer. But now starts the real drama. Review, review, review!


	10. It Rains When You're Gone ?

**Title: **iWon't Let You Down

**Fandom: **iCarly

**Main Ship: **Spencer/Freddie

**Other Ships: **Carly/Sam, Spencer/Socko, some Freddie/Carly

**Genre(s): **Romance/Angst

**Rating: **M for mature themes and extreme angst

**Warnings: **slash, femslash, person 18+ in a relationship with someone under 18, self-injury (cutting), death

**Chapter Song: **Forever and Always by Taylor Swift

**Author Note: **Sorry for the wait! I was in Florida for the weekend with my family to celebrate my birthday by going to Universal in Orlando…it was awesome! The Harry Potter part was especially good. I stocked up on all my wizarding needs. :] Plus I got a MacBook! So after this chapter, I'll be transferring over all of my files so I can work on my new Mac.

Oh, and just do you know, this chapter ends in a bloody way, so if you're easily squeamish, you might want to look away.

* * *

Freddie sat on the edge of the couch in the living room for two hours straight. He didn't turn the TV on. He didn't read a magazine, or eat food, or anything. He simply sat on the couch, his back straight and his ears pierced to hear anything that might be going on in Spencer's room.

Freddie could still feel Spencer's lips on his. He was reliving the moment so many times in his head he was sure he had nailed every little detail and second. Freddie wasn't ashamed of what had happened. Obviously, Spencer was.

So Freddie sat on the couch, waiting for Spencer to come out so he could talk to him. He'd have to leave the bedroom sometime.

The door to the apartment suddenly opened, and Freddie jumped in surprise. Looking at the door, he spotted Carly and Sam returning from school. They looked a little odd. They seemed like they were in a hurry to do something, because they were both red faced and their faces determined.

"Carly? Sam?" Freddie asked, nearing them slightly. The girls jumped in the same way Freddie had. Sam looked disappointed.

"Oh, you guys are home?" Carly asked, her voice high pitched. "I would've thought you'd guys would still be at the art show."

"Nope," Freddie shrugged, and watched Sam and Carly look nervously around the room.

"Where's Spencer?" Sam asked.

"In his room," Freddie answered sourly. Carly nodded, and then elbowed Sam. Sam coughed.

"Um…we're going to go do homework," Sam told Freddie, sidling past Carly to head for the stairs. Carly threw Sam an exasperated look.

"Would you like to join us?" Carly asked; Sam gaped. "Only we know you'd probably want to know what you missed during school."

Freddie hesitated; he did want to know what the homework was, but he had to wait for Spencer. Plus, he was sure that Sam and Carly wanted to make out up there, but Carly didn't want to be mean to him. Glancing at Sam, Freddie shook his head. "No, thanks. I'm just going to-"

Spencer's door opened. Freddie gasped involuntarily, receiving weird looks from the girls. Spencer emerged from the hallway, his clothes ruffled and his hair sticking up slightly. The look on his face was expressionless.

"Hey, Spence," Carly said brightly, walking up to him, "How was the art show?"

Spencer glanced at Sam and the kitchen before answering Carly. "Good," Spencer replied, his voice a tiny bit hollow. Carly looked confused.

"Well, what happened?" she persisted, poking her brother on the arm. He shrugged.

Freddie intervened. "He won the art show," he said, smirking slightly. Spencer shot him a look but it was covered up by Carly throwing her arms around him.

"Oh, wow, Spencer, good for you!" Carly cried, hugging her brother's middle. Spencer nodded, smiling weakly until Carly pulled away from him. "We'll have to celebrate tonight. Smoothies at six? Sam and I will be done by then," Sam and Carly shared a small look before returning their eyes to Spencer. Freddie rolled his eyes.

"Actually, I'm going to Socko's for the night. I'm leaving in a little bit," Freddie's heart sank lower and lower as Spencer said the words. Socko's…for the _night. _Wounded, Freddie sat back on the couch, staring at the blank TV. He heard Carly and Sam start up the stairs behind him as they spoke.

"What? Spencer," Carly said sternly, "you're starting to spend more time there than you do here. It concerns me," she told him, and Freddie heard Spencer sigh.

"Look, Carly, when you're older, you'll understand that-"

"Whatever, Spence, it's fine," Sam responded in an obvious effort to end the conversation. Footsteps faded up the stairs, and Freddie knew that he and Spencer were alone in the living room. However, Freddie had forgotten all he had prepared to say.

Spencer said nothing to Freddie as he made his way into the kitchen, walking towards the fridge. Freddie watched him pull out a carton of milk and open it, pouring it into a green glass. Spencer sipped it, not looking at anything, but seemingly looking past what was in front of him, like he was contemplating something.

Freddie stood up from the couch, deciding to take the initiation. "Spencer, I know you're freaked out, but-"

"You can't even start to comprehend how I feel right now," Spencer snapped in a tone Freddie had never heard him use. Freddie winced as Spencer slammed the glass down on the counter, causing milk to spill over the top and onto the surface. "Just please don't talk to me."

"Spencer!" Freddie cried, watching Spencer leave his glass on the counter and walk towards the door. He ignored Freddie on the way out. Freddie felt the misery swell up inside him as Spencer reached for the knob. "We just need to talk about this!"

"We have nothing to talk about," Spencer said over his back, exiting the apartment. "Leave me alone," he added roughly, slamming the door behind him. Freddie leaned against the door in sadness, feeling the tears slip down his face. Hearing the girls come down the stairs, Freddie quickly fled to the bathroom, shutting and locking the door behind him with force.

God, how could Freddie have been so dumb? He kissed Spencer! He kissed Spencer, and now Spencer hated him. Freddie sat on the lidded toilet, putting his head in his hands as he cried, gripping his face tightly. He hiccupped, reliving the horror that was Spencer abandoning him. It was like all of the nice things Spencer had done since Freddie had moved in were suddenly forgotten because of this heinous situation. Freddie knew that Spencer would most likely throw him out. Freddie would be on his own.

Plus, Spencer didn't feel the same way. Freddie knew that. Freddie knew that if Spencer liked him back, he would've kept kissing him and wouldn't have run off to the bedroom. Spencer wasn't even attracted to Freddie. Letting out a low moan, Freddie hung his head low, feeling the blood rush to his head. Good. He wanted it to. He wanted to feel the pain. He deserved it.

As Freddie looked up, he caught sight of Spencer's razor on the sink. It was obviously new because it was out of the package and shiny. It wasn't in the plastic holder yet. Freddie found himself staring at it. It lay next to Spencer's cologne. Freddie stood up and reached for the cologne, smelling it briefly. It smelled wonderful, but so much better on Spencer.

As he put the bottle down, it titled and nearly fell off the porcelain. Freddie caught it in the nick of time, but he cut himself on the razor in the process. Freddie cried out, feeling the sting on his finger from where the razor had sliced him. He sucked on the finger, eyeing the razor beadily. That had hurt quite a lot. Freddie felt new tears from the pain slip over the edge of his eyes, but he didn't brush them away. He instead gazed upon the razor, watching the small drop of blood on it drip onto the sink.

Freddie instantly reached for the razor, weighing it in his hand. He thought about his mother as the cool silver lay in his palm. How his mother had berated him and yelled at him and embarrassed him, but how she died because of him. How the last thing he had ever said was that she was the worst mother in Seattle. Freddie took the razor in his other hand and slowly turned his wrist over, placing the razor on his skin. Closing his eyes, Freddie gently slid the razor across his skin.

All it did was scrape the skin. Afraid to push the blade into his skin, Freddie had merely scraped the surface. A thin white line appeared on his pale skin, and it started to turn red from the rash. Furious with himself, Freddie pushed the blade to his wrist again, this time thinking about Sam. He thought of how mean she had been to him the past few years. How many times had she embarrassed him? Sam had been awful to him, and she had hurt him several times. But for some reason, even the thought of Sam could not make Freddie sink the razor any deeper into his skin. At least not deep enough to draw blood.

Then…Freddie thought of Spencer. He thought of how Spencer had coaxed him into admitting his was bisexual. How Spencer had caught Freddie and Carly together. He thought about Socko. He thought about the Groovy Smoothie, and the night in the hospital. Freddie thought about after the funeral, and sleeping in Spencer's bed. He thought about kissing Spencer. Spencer's soft lips. Spencer's breath mingling with his. Spencer's mouth. Spencer's lap. Spencer's…love.

But then Freddie remembered Spencer's face after he had realized what he had done. The sound of Spencer's door slamming. Spencer's blank expression. Spencer hating Freddie. Spencer telling him to leave him alone. Now Spencer was probably screwing the brains out of Socko, not even thinking about Freddie. Freddie hadn't even realized that the tip of the razor had pierced his skin, and a bead of blood was now running down his wrist.

Freddie slowly moved the razor across his wrist, but regretted it instantly. White hot pain shot up Freddie's arm. Freddie shouted in pain, hissing as he pulled the razor away. The fresh cut on his wrist was now shining with blood, dripping from angles and onto the floor. The cut was deeper than he had anticipated. Freddie put the razor down, the pain searing and making him cry again. Gasping slightly, Freddie reached for a towel, pressing it against his wrist.

"Freddie?" Carly's voice sounded through the door, followed by a timid knock. "Freddie, are you okay? Freddie?"

Freddie didn't answer her. His voice would give away his pain. Instead, he sat on the toilet, gripping his wrist and cradling his arm, rocking back and forth. Freddie bit his lip to keep himself from crying out. Carly's footsteps eventually faded away. Breathing out, Freddie stood up to lean over the sink and rinse his arm off of blood. He then looked in the medicine cabinet for a band aid. He ended up putting on three.

Leaning against the door, Freddie waited until he was sure Sam and Carly had left the apartment. Then, he slid down on the floor, putting his head to his knees.

How did he turn into this mess?

* * *

**A/N:** Next chapter will be…AWESOME, EMOTIONAL, WICKED and up by tomorrow. I may or may not write it now, depends on how I feel. But poor, poor Freddie.


	11. Here We Are ?

**Title:** iWon't Let You Down

**Fandom:** iCarly

**Main Ship:** Spencer/Freddie

**Other Ships:** Carly/Sam, Spencer/Socko, some Freddie/Carly

**Genre(s):** Romance/Angst

**Rating:** M for mature themes and extreme angst

**Warnings:** slash, femslash, person 18+ in a relationship with someone under 18, self-injury (cutting), death

**Chapter Song:** Whataya Want From Me by Adam Lambert (also story song, hence title)

**Author Note:** I promised a big chapter, so here you go. :] This is also my first chapter written on my new MacBook! Yay!

* * *

Freddie watched the clock tick slowly from his position on the couch. It was just after 11:30 at night and Freddie was on the couch in the living room, twisting the blanket in his hands absentmindedly as he stared upon the clock. He had gone to bed nearly two hours previously and he still wasn't asleep. Freddie didn't know what he was waiting for, but all he wanted to do was sleep. His wrist was still prickling in pain from the solid cut that had eventually stopped bleeding. It was taking all of Freddie's mental energy not to run a finger across it.

Freddie rolled over to his side, his eyes leaving the clock. He shut his eyes tightly, hoping to find sleep somehow. He was perfectly comfortable. There were no distractions seeing as Carly had decided to sleep over Sam's and leave Freddie alone in the apartment. But Freddie still could not fall asleep. Sighing, Freddie opened his eyes, staring at the blank TV.

He hadn't meant to cut himself. It had never been premeditated. Freddie just caught sight of what he hoped would be a way out. He had read about so many teens cutting themselves as a way to feel something besides the hollowness of their every day life. Freddie merely wanted a way out. No, he didn't want to die. He just wanted the pain to end. But it hadn't worked. Freddie just felt immense physical pain and discomfort from the cut. No release. No high. Nothing.

Freddie regretted what he had done. After he had washed himself off, he left the bathroom, heading to the freezer to get some ice to press on his wrist. The pain had subsided slightly, but Freddie still felt dirty and awful for what he had done. He never wanted to inflict pain on himself again. It was the most terrible feeling, and Freddie had had his fair share of terrible feelings.

The door to the apartment opened slowly from in front of Freddie. Freddie sat up abruptly, staring at the door in fear, but that fear swept away as Spencer stepped into the flat, eyeing around. His stare stopped on Freddie.

"Spencer?" Freddie asked, frowning in the darkness. Spencer shut the door behind him quietly before turning back to Freddie. "I thought you were at Socko's."

"I decided to come home," Spencer whispered, swaying in his spot slightly. "Socko had friends over that wanted to drink and I didn't feel like it," With that, Spencer walked towards the kitchen, not looking back at Freddie as he poured himself a glass of water. "Is Carly in bed?"

"No," Freddie answered sourly, laying back down. "She's at Sam's."

Spencer nodded and gulped down his water quickly. Wiping his mouth, Spencer placed the glass down and headed towards the bathroom, not saying another word to Freddie. Freddie felt an emptying sensation in his stomach. How had it come to this? How had it come to just meaningless conversation that went absolutely nowhere?

Freddie could feel his world sinking beneath him. He had no one left. His mother was gone. Spencer wouldn't speak o him. Carly and Sam were…preoccupied. Freddie had literally no one to care about him. Feeling naked and vulnerable, Freddie huddled under the sheets, trying to disappear in the darkness.

A sudden clattering sound came from the bathroom. Freddie tried to ignore it, but soon Spencer stepped out of the bathroom, holding something in his hand. Freddie looked over his shoulder to see Spencer staring resolutely into his palm, his mouth in a thin line. Then, Spencer looked up, his eyes meeting Freddie's for the first time since they had made out earlier that day. His eyes looked absolutely fierce.

"Freddie…" Spencer started, holding up what he had in his hand. Freddie realized with horror that it was the razor he had used to commit his dirty crime. In Freddie's haste to heal himself, he had forgotten to clean off the sink and the weapon. Freddie watched as Spencer observed the bloody razor, holding it carefully. "What is this?"

Freddie started gaping, "I-uh um…I d-don't…" but realization soon hit Spencer's expression. He glared up at Freddie with a mute look of pure rage on his face.

"Freddie, show me your arms," Spencer demanded, his voice dangerous. Freddie threw the covers off of him, leaping up from the couch in a flash. He could make it to the door. He could get there if he distracted Spencer. Freddie kept his stare with Spencer for a brief moment…and then made for the door.

"NO!" Spencer screamed, jumping over the couch and grabbing Freddie's shirt from behind. Freddie tried to shove him off unsuccessfully. Spencer pushed Freddie up against the door, scrambling to reach Freddie's arms. Freddie made a bold move. He raised his fist and punched Spencer on the jaw.

Spencer reared back, clutching his jaw. Freddie stared at his aching fist; did he really just _punch_ Spencer! He didn't have time to think about it for much longer because Spencer began chasing him around the apartment. Freddie pounced towards the stairs, hoping to go to Carly's room or even the studio and lock the door, but Spencer beat him there. Freddie flung himself over the couch, bouncing off of it and landing on the floor with a clumsy thud. Spencer followed suit, but Freddie was already on his feet and running into the kitchen. He almost made it to the back door when Spencer let out a cry and grabbed Freddie's back, pulling him onto the floor in front of the oven.

"Let go of me!" Freddie shouted as Spencer climbed on top of him, pinning him to the floor with his knees. Freddie jerked like a fish out of water, but Spencer paid him no attention. He slid a hand over Freddie's mouth to silence him. Freddie squirmed for a minute until he was worn out. Freddie watched as Spencer removed his hand from Freddie's mouth and slowly peeled back the sleeve on Freddie's injured wrist. Freddie felt the pain come back as Spencer pulled the cloth from over the cut.

Spencer gasped softly as he caught sight of the slice. Freddie felt his heart thudding in his chest. He looked at Spencer shamefully. Spencer's eyes were glued to the cut. He stared at it while Freddie tried to explain himself. "I didn't mean to…" Freddie whispered, looking at Spencer's tortured expression. "But you were angry at me and didn't want me and I just…fell apart," Freddie admitted, biting his lip. Spencer's look flickered slightly. "Then you said you were going to Socko's and I just…I just wanted the pain to go away," Freddie ended lamely, looking away from Spencer.

Spencer let go of Freddie's wrist, dropping it back on the floor. Freddie looked back at Spencer, and watched in surprise as Spencer sat back against a chair from the table and brought his knees to his chest. Spencer then wrapped his arms around his own knees and buried his head there. Freddie didn't realize what was happening until he noticed Spencer's shoulders shaking. Freddie's eyes widened. Spencer was crying.

"Spencer," Freddie murmured, sitting up and tugging at Spencer's arm. All bitterness and rejection was fading from Freddie as he watched Spencer crumble before him. Freddie was vaguely reminded of his dream as he pulled at Spencer's arms, trying to get him to look up.

But Spencer did not look up. Instead, his cries became soundable. Spencer cried softly into his lap as Freddie tried to tilt his head up. "Spence, please, I'm okay-"

"No, you're not," Spencer choked, looking up. Freddie found himself looking at a red-faced, puffy eyed and tear stricken Spencer Shay, and it scared him to death. "You're depressed and miserable and it's all my fault. It's my fucking fault," Spencer swore, something Freddie had never once heard him do. Even the mid hell's were covered by heck's. Spencer never swore. Freddie knew he must have really upset him.

Freddie reached for Spencer, pulling him forward. Spencer fell into Freddie's chest, crying into Freddie's shirt. Freddie cradled the tall man into his body, stroking his hair softly. It felt strange that Freddie was the one comforting Spencer. Spencer was usually the comforter, not the comfortee. But somehow, it felt right in a twisted way. Spencer looked up at Freddie.

"I do want you, Freddie," Spencer confessed, leaning up to press his forehead against Freddie's. "But you're too young. You're too young, and I'm too old. This can't work," Spencer told him, "not now."

Freddie could barely comprehend what Spencer was saying. He…wanted him? Freddie felt as if his heart was going to burst. Not reacting to Spencer's second sentence, Freddie leaned forward and kissed Spencer on the lips passionately. Spencer reciprocated, his lips soft and moist. Freddie leaned completely into Spencer, but Spencer pushed him away.

"No, Freddie, please," Spencer moaned, falling back into Freddie's chest. "Don't make this harder for me," Spencer pleaded. "I left because I was afraid. I was afraid of what had happened and what it meant. We can't be together, and I need to be the one to put my foot down," Spencer told Freddie, and Freddie shook his head furiously.

"No! Spencer, I want you, and you want me. That's all we need," Freddie begged him, reaching down to take Spencer's face in his hands. Spencer shook his head, pulling himself from Freddie and wiping his tears.

"I will always be here for you," Spencer told him, smiling slightly, "I will always want to be around you. But we can't be together. Not for at least two years, when you're eighteen and it's legal," Spencer then sighed. "Imagine what Carly would think…"

"Screw Carly," Freddie said hastily, causing Spencer to give him a sharp look, "I only care about you. Please, we can do this."

"No," Spencer said firmly, but he leaned in to kiss Freddie on the cheek. "Just wait for me, please. We can try to make this work in a few years."

"But I'll be in college when I'm eighteen," Freddie retorted stubbornly, "I could be anywhere in the country."

Spencer's expression darkened slightly, but he once again shook his head. "The answer is no, Freddie. We can not be together right now," he finished, standing up and walking towards the counter to grab some paper towels. Freddie remained on the floor, staring at his damaged wrist. He couldn't believe the events that had just occurred. Before he could start to mourn the fact that Spencer was rejecting him, Freddie felt two large hands pull him to his feet. Freddie fell into Spencer's chest, resting his cheek against Spencer's upper body. Spencer sighed a deep breath.

"You don't know how much I want this," Spencer whispered; Freddie swallowed. "To be able to have a normal relationship with you. But it will never happen for us," Freddie pushed himself back from Spencer, watching the older man as he spoke. Spencer looked at Freddie sadly. "Being thirteen years older than you is bad enough. But the fact that we're both guys? It makes it even worse, and so much harder," Spencer admitted, raising a hand to wipe it across his forehead. "And you're right; you'll be in college as soon as it's legally 'okay' for us to date."

"Come with me," Freddie muttered pathetically. Spencer chuckled.

"I already had enough of college. It wasn't my scene," Spencer told Freddie, shrugging as he gazed down at him.

"I want you to be my scene," Freddie said, eyeing Spencer expectantly. Spencer smiled ruefully and leaned down to press his lips to Freddie's head. In spite of the intense situation, Freddie grinned. "You know, if you want to keep your word, you should probably stop kissing me."

"Shut up, Freddo," Spencer murmured against Freddie's forehead, but he laughed. Freddie wanted to embrace Spencer, but he knew better. Spencer pulled away from him a brief second later anyway. Freddie eyed his make shift bed on the couch.

"I guess I'll go to bed then," Freddie said lamely, moving to walk over to his bed. Spencer caught hold of his wrist, pulling Freddie back to him.

"Now, hold on there, kid," Spencer reprimanded, quirking a brow. "You came to sleep with me before these shenanigans started. You are more than welcome to continue your stay in my room."

Freddie beamed. But the smile was short lived as soon as they proceeded to Spencer's bedroom. Before they entered, Spencer rounded on Freddie, pointing a finger at him. "If I ever catch you hurting yourself again…"

"You won't, Spence. I promise," Freddie swore, reaching out to slide a hand down Spencer's arm. Spencer gave him a crooked smile, and opened the door to his bedroom. For the first time in awhile, Freddie got a good night's sleep.

* * *

**A/N:** Aw, poor confused boys! They don't know what the heck to do anymore.

Oookay so I may stop writing this story. I love it, but there are some other projects I want to work on and I hate multi-tasking. Plus I don't feel like I'm getting much reception from the story anyway. But if you want me to keep writing it, please review and tell me so. Reviews are probably my biggest motivation. I have some regular reviewers (whom I love and will receive a special shout out) but I've gotten over 1500 hits to the story so far and only 21 reviews! If you love the story, tell me! Otherwise, it might become abandoned. And you'll never know what I had in store for the grieving Freddie and confused Spencer. :[


	12. Completely Incomplete ?

**Title:** iWon't Let You Down

**Fandom:** iCarly

**Main Ship: **Spencer/Freddie

**Other Ships:** Carly/Sam, Spencer/Socko, some Freddie/Carly

**Genre(s):** Romance/Angst

**Rating:** M for mature themes and extreme angst

**Warnings:** slash, femslash, person 18+ in a relationship with someone under 18, self-injury (cutting), death

**Chapter Song:** Hanging By A Moment by Lifehouse

**Author Note: **Okay so I was happy to see that I got 8 reviews after the last chapter so I've decided to keep writing for the time being! I'm also posting another story for iCarly soon, an interactive one where you, the reviewers, decide what happens next. So make sure to check that out!

* * *

The time came eventually where Freddie had to return to Ridgeway. After a week of staying home and spending time with Spencer as he made sculptures and did other wacky stuff, Freddie knew he had to go back to school. His mother still lingered in nearly every thought Freddie could conjure, but he was learning to handle it. Whenever Freddie was reminded of his mother, he would think of a lava lamp. Kind of random, sure, but it helped distract himself.

Freddie walked through the doors of Ridgeway. He was greeted by several pairs of eyes following him to his locker. Swallowing, Freddie tried to ignore them. He tightened his grip on his backpack and raised a hand to twist in the combination to his locker. He had had the locker open for maybe five seconds when Gibby made his way over.

"Hey, bro," Gibby said, his tone sort of quiet as if he'd get in trouble if he spoke to loudly. "You know how sorry I am about-"

"Yeah, it's fine," Freddie cut him off, pulling some books out of his locker. The last thing Freddie wanted to do was discuss his mother. He just wished people would stop thinking about it. Maybe he would eventually as well.

Gibby sighed, and was about to speak until Carly and Sam waltzed over, looking extremely happy about themselves. Gibby looked at them, distracted. "Why are you two so gleeful?"

"The Seattle Faire is tonight," Sam said with a wicked glint in her eyes. "Roller coasters, fried dough and the Zipper…not too bad for Momma," she explained, rubbing her stomach while looking off into the distance. Carly elbowed her, giggling.

"Plus they have this new boat ride for couples," Carly added, giving Freddie a knowing look before she glanced at Sam. Freddie resisted the urge to vomit. He shut his locker, hoping he'd slide out of the conversation. Freddie didn't want to spend a night with Carly and Sam all over each other at a theme park. It didn't seem very appealing, or fun.

Sam turned to Gibby, punching him lightly on the arm. "So, Gibster, are you up for it?"

"No," Gibby replied mournfully, frowning slightly. "I have to babysit Guppy."

"You can bring him along!" Carly told him, but Gibby shook his head.

"My mom doesn't trust me to take Guppy anywhere without her permission. Besides, Tasha's coming over to help me," Gibby said, smirking slightly. Freddie chuckled. He still couldn't fathom how someone as hot and older as Tasha would be into Gibby. He remembered when Gibby thought _Freddie_ had tried macking on Tasha. That had been quite a scary time.

Sam shrugged, but Carly rested a hand on Freddie's shoulder. "Well, I guess that just makes you, me and Sam," she said innocently, letting out a deep breath followed by a wide smile as she looked upon Freddie. Freddie backed away from her, shaking his head.

"Oh, no. What makes you think I want to go to some love-fest carnival?" Freddie asked, making to turn around and go to his AV Club meeting. Sam suddenly reached out and grabbed Freddie's ear, yanking it towards her. Freddie cried out in pain several times, trying to swat the blonde girl away. Once she finally let go, Freddie rubbed his ear vigorously, glaring at Sam. "Vicious!" he accused, pointing a finger at her.

"Come on, Freddie, it won't be that bad," Carly said in a low voice while Sam and Gibby chatted, "I wanted you to go with Gibby so Sam and I could go on the boat thing, but I guess I'll just have to ask Spencer to come with us," Freddie was about to retort on how he wouldn't want to go on a date with Gibby even if he was the flamiest homosexual out of the closet until he heard Spencer's name. Gulping, Freddie ran a hand through his hair, looking away from Carly.

"U-um, fine. Fine. I'll go to the…to the stupid faire with you guys," Freddie reasoned, sighing.

Spencer had treated Freddie well since the confession that had taken place at midnight, but it was like being handled like centuries old china. Spencer was careful about what he said around Freddie, not wanting to drop hints or suggestions or anything Freddie could take the wrong way. So far, Freddie had heard a lot of "What would you like to eat…for food?" and "Alright let's go to bed…you know, so we can sleep…not, like, sleep _together_, but actually sleep…you know?" Freddie was starting to get extremely irritated by Spencer's antics. If he kept up like this for the next two years, Freddie would go insane.

Carly did a little dance in place and then hugged Freddie quickly. "Thanks, Freddie, you're the best!" she whispered before stepping back and grabbing Sam's arm. "Come to the bathroom with me, I have to call Spencer," Carly told Sam, and the two girls made off to the bathroom quicker than a rabbit on speed.

* * *

Spencer parked the car he had borrowed from Socko outside the theme park. Freddie sat in the front seat while Sam and Carly were perched close together in the back seat. Once the car was turned off, Carly and Sam shouted a loud "Thanks Spencer!" before jumping out of the car and leaving Freddie and Spencer alone. Freddie glanced at Spencer nervously, smiling weakly. Spencer returned the smile awkwardly, and then looked away.

"So, what do you want to ride first?" Freddie asked, his own tone sounding lame. The last thing he wanted to do was embarrass himself in front of Spencer by screaming on rides. Freddie tended to yell whenever he was propelled at high speeds, which most of the cooler rides did. He didn't want to be next to Spencer and screaming as if he was about to be murdered. It was _not _attractive.

Spencer rested his hands on the wheel, drumming his fingers in an anxious yet quirky way. "I don't really mind," Spencer answered in a kind voice, and then looked through the window. "But we should probably catch up with the girls."

With that, Freddie and Spencer exited the car, locking it and walking together to find where Carly and Sam had gone off to. While walking side by side, Freddie's hand occasionally brushed against Spencer's. Freddie always pulled back anxiously, but Spencer never seemed to notice. Freddie crossed his arms as he walked, punishing himself.

After a few minutes, Freddie spotted Carly and Sam in line for a ride called Ride-of-Romance. It must've been the ride Carly had been talking about earlier in school. Freddie cast a look at Spencer. How could Carly think she could explain this one to her brother?

Spencer and Freddie caught up to the girls in line. Spencer stared around confusedly, "I don't understand. Shouldn't you have dates to go on this ride?"

Carly sidled in place, looking unsure of what to say. Sam jumped in, "Yeah but we wanted to try it out because on the first night they give out a stuffed heart to a random couple which gives them free passes to every ride in the park," Freddie glanced at the line behind them. It was rather long, and there were certainly plenty of people who didn't look very much in love, for example, a five year old boy and his mother.

Spencer seemed to believe Sam. He was about to cut into the line behind them when a voice rang out, "Hey, no cutting here!" Spencer turned around to see a man in glasses staring at him, but the man seemed to recognize Spencer. "Spencer Shay! The man who built that beautiful sculpture in my dental office! Oh, you can stay for as long as you want," the dentist said, smiling broadly. Spencer grinned and gestured for Freddie to stand next to him.

"So, who's riding with who?" Spencer asked, still a little dumbfounded. This time, Carly was the one to explain, but it sounded a little rehearsed.

"Well, we figured that if I rode with Freddie, you would have to ride with Sam and everyone would think you were a pedophile," Carly said, and Spencer bit his lip in a guilty way. "And no way would Sam and Freddie ride together. Besides, wouldn't it be weird if you and I were on a romantic ride together?"

"Well yeah," Spencer replied, "but isn't in weirder that it's two girls and two dudes?"

"No," Sam responded, "because everyone would know we're not really couples…"

Freddie scoffed slightly, causing the girls to glare at him unanimously. Spencer seemed a little unsure of the situation, but before he could respond, the group had reached the front of the line. Carly and Sam got in a little boat first. The ride rules that were posted on the nearby wall stated the ride lasted five minutes for each couple. Freddie hoped that Sam and Carly would get their make out session done now so he didn't have to endure them sneaking off later on.

After Carly and Sam sailed off into a dark tunnel, another small boat was brought up for Spencer and Freddie. As they received strange looks from the crowd, Spencer whispered angrily, "Yeah, not weird at all, right?" in a sarcastic voice. Freddie just sat in the boat, holding on to the bar in front of him, his face turning red. Finally, the boat whisked off after Sam and Carly. The boat went extremely slow. No wonder it took five minutes to get from the start to the finish.

Spencer said nothing to Freddie as they sat in the boat. In fact, he seemed to be leaning away from Freddie and over the side of the boat. Freddie scowled in the darkness. Spencer was being a little bit too dramatic about it, and it was time Freddie had said something.

"Spencer-" Freddie started, but he was cut off by the boat suddenly screeching to a halt. Freddie jerked in his seat, letting out a slight scream. Spencer whipped around, trying to look through the darkness. Then, a voice came over the speaker phone.

"We are having slight technical difficulties on the ride, but don't worry, they will be fixed within the next ten minutes," the voice told them. Spencer groaned.

"I need to get off of this stupid boat," Spencer complained, crossing his arms. Freddie rolled his eyes.

"Oh I understand. I can hardly stand being so crammed next to you, either," Freddie snapped, looking away. He felt Spencer squirm from next to him.

"Freddie, what's-"

"Wrong? What's wrong? I'll tell you what's wrong," Freddie said heatedly, looking at Spencer, "You're treating me like I'm an annoying kid you've been forced to baby sit. Stop pretending that you don't feel anything for me, I know you do-"

"Freddie," Spencer said warningly, looking towards the boat about ten feet in front of them, "lower your voice-"

"Oh, don't worry about Carly, she has a few secrets of her own," Freddie replied furiously, looking away from the older man. Then, he realized what he had just done. Looking back towards Spencer, Freddie tried to rectify the situation, but it was too late. Spencer was now quietly listening to the little moans and gasps they could hear from the boat in front of them. Realization hit Spencer like a wrecking ball. His eyes widened.

"…What? No…" Spencer murmured. Freddie attempted to explain the situation, but no words could come from his mouth. He couldn't believe he had let Carly's secret slip out. The girls would never forgive him now.

Spencer cleared his throat as he looked at the back of the boat in front of them. "I guess I'll have to be a little bit more conscientious when Sam comes over…" Spencer said in an off voice. "I was _so_ sure that Carly was homophobic!"

"Yeah, well, think again," Freddie said sourly, still agitated with the older Shay. Spencer looked at him suddenly, his expression becoming intense.

"You have to understand my position in this, Freddie," Spencer tried to explain. "If anyone found out about us, I could go to jail for a long, long time. And I don't enjoy sculpting in jail," he shuddered, and Freddie remembered the whole giant pants fiasco. Freddie sighed and sat back.

"I do understand your position, Spencer. But you don't have to act like I'm a nub," Freddie said sadly, pouting slightly. Spencer leaned over and took Freddie's face in his hands, making Freddie look at Spencer. Freddie felt his heart beat rapidly, and he blinked stupidly as Spencer looked at him.

"I don't think you're a nub," Spencer murmured, smiling slightly. "I think you're adorable."

Freddie took a deep breath before leaning forward and pressing his lips to Spencer's. Freddie was sure he had in impulse problem. Spencer lingered at his mouth for a moment before pulling away, shaking his head.

"I don't think I can trust you, Freddo," Spencer joked, winking at him. Freddie felt a desperate urge to prove his affections to Spencer. He looked at Spencer until Spencer gazed back at him. Freddie was about to make his move, but suddenly the boat started moving again. Sighing, Freddie sat back. This earned a chuckle from Spencer, and pure dissatisfaction for Freddie.

* * *

**A/N:** Next chapter will finally introduce the one, the only…Socko! Please remember to review!


	13. Keeping You In Sight ?

**Title:** iWon't Let You Down

**Fandom:** iCarly

**Main Ship:** Spencer/Freddie

**Other Ships:** Carly/Sam, Spencer/Socko, some Freddie/Carly

**Genre(s)**: Romance/Angst

**Rating:** M for mature themes and extreme angst

**Warnings:** you should get the gist by now

**Chapter Song:** Can't Fight This Feeling - Cory Monteith (Glee Version)

**Author Note:** And now we meet Socko in this long chapter. Keep in mind that Socko has never been formally introduced on the show or shown, so how he is described here may or may not be his real appearance; it's just how I imagine him. And I imagine him as HOT. But this chapter is an angsty one.

Also, some fun news - Nathan Kress tweeted at me a couple of nights ago! He was having a Q&A and I was the second person he answered! I asked him which super power he would want and he replied, "Flight definitely! :) no more traffic! haha" so naturally I was happy.

Also, a reviewer (I forget whom, I'm sorry) mentioned not to make Socko a jerk. I thought that was funny because I had always envisioned Socko as the opposite. I just wanted to mention that, because it made me laugh.

On to the story!

* * *

The weekends were a great time for Freddie. He didn't have to endure the awkwardness of being around the kids at school, or do homework, or worry about paying attention. Plus on Saturdays, he got to watch Spencer make his newest sculpture and spend time with Carly and Sam, which was what he was doing now.

Carly and Sam both sat at the kitchen table, playing Go Fish. Freddie had insisted he didn't want to play, and he truly didn't. He could watch Spencer without an excuse now. He was sure Spencer, who was perched near the door, hadn't noticed yet. He was too immersed in his sculpture, which looked like a giant piece of popcorn.

"Aha!" Sam cried out, slapping her last two cards onto the table. "I win!" she exclaimed happily, crossing her arms and smirking in victory. Carly sighed and began gathering the cards up again. Freddie caught sight of Sam's winning cards, noticing they were different numbers. He reached a hand to pull them out of her grasp.

"Sam!" Freddie scolded, showing Carly the cards. She scowled at her friend.

"Must you cheat in every game we play?" Carly asked her in a snappy voice, reaching over to snatch the cards from Sam's hand. Sam just waggled her eyebrows and replied, "I haven't cheated on our best game yet, Carls."

Carly shared a small smile with Sam as Freddie faked vomiting. Sam elbowed him in the chest before getting up from her chair. "Alright I have to go. My mom is getting surgery today," Sam told them as she walked into the living room.

"Oh no," Carly murmured, "on what?"

"I don't know," Sam shrugged, clearly disinterested. "She said it's life surgery, but I don't think that's possible," Sam smiled wickedly before saying good bye to Spencer and leaving the apartment. Carly stared after her in a longing manner, something that Spencer seemed to notice. Freddie slid down in his seat guiltily.

"Hey, Carly, we need to-" Spencer began saying, but he was cut off by Lewbert ringing the apartment. Spencer walked over to the speaker and pressed the button. "What, Lewbert?"

"There's some guy comin' up to see ya," Lewbert screeched, adding an unnecessary hollering sound after he was finished speaking. Spencer hung up, rolling his eyes to himself as he moved back to his sculpture.

"Who's visiting?" Carly asked curiously, picking up the cards and setting them on the island. Freddie watched as Spencer shrugged in a distracted way.

"I don't know, I'm not expecting anyone," Spencer told her, painting the side of his massive popcorn. His hair hung in his eyes, and Freddie had a sudden urge to run to him and brush his hand against Spencer's forehead.

Carly nodded, and made for the stairs to go to her room. Freddie had learned after living with the Shay's for awhile not to be offended by it. Carly needed alone time just like anyone else, and now that he lived with her, he didn't expect her to hang out with him all of the time anyway. Freddie certainly didn't want to. He had his eyes on the other Shay.

Sitting at the countertop with the computer on it, Freddie began eating some left over pie that was sitting on the table. As he raised his fork to his mouth, someone knocked on he door. Spencer leaned over to open the door with his messy hands. Freddie's jaw dropped at the sight of the visitor.

The man looked to be around Spencer's age. He had light blonde hair and even lighter blue eyes. He also had a bright, mega watt smile on his face as he looked upon Spencer.

"Spencer!" the man shouted, pulling Spencer into a tight embrace.

"Socko!" Spencer replied in a surprised yet enthusiastic voice as he returned the hug. Socko glanced around the apartment as if he were looking for something, and then leaned up to kiss Spencer on the mouth.

Freddie felt as if his insides had just frozen. Not only was Socko a stud, but he was kissing Spencer. He was kissing Spencer here. In the apartment. Freddie felt as if he were about to slide down into a massive puddle on the floor. He realized that he hadn't felt this miserable since his mother died. As much as he hated the sight, he couldn't pull himself away from it. Spencer was returning the kiss with equal fever, and Freddie felt his heart crack.

A gasp sounded through the entire apartment. Spencer broke from Socko's lips, looking around until his eyes landed on a struck Carly on the stairs. She quivered in spot for a second before screaming, "I KNEW THIS WAS GENETIC!" before running back up the stairs in a sob.

Spencer choked out a, "Carly…" before forgetting about Socko and bounding up the stairs after his little sister. Socko stared after him, his face bright red. He stared at the floor in a guilty fashion. Freddie hoped he could get by unnoticed. He wanted to escape out of the back door, but unfortunately the plate hit the countertop with a clang as he tried to move it. Socko looked up, spotting Freddie. Boy was Freddie surprised when Socko broke out into a huge grin.

"Freddie Benson," Socko greeted, stepping past Spencer's sculpture and making his way to Freddie. Freddie had a bad need to grab his plate and smash Socko's pretty, magazine model face in, but he resisted. Socko extended a hand to him. "I've heard so much about you from Spencer."

Freddie scoffed slightly. Socko would sound condescending if his voice wasn't so damn perfect.

Freddie nodded, shrugging slightly. "Yeah, I've been Spencer's neighbor for awhile," he replied, unsure if Spencer had told Socko about their…thing. He apparently hadn't, because Socko nodded, smiling.

"Why are you here?" Freddie asked, his tone slightly snobbish. He couldn't help it. He hated the man in front of him with all of his heart. Freddie hated everything from his golden blonde locks to his shiny shoes. Socko didn't seem to notice his tone.

"I wanted to surprise Spencer," Socko grinned with a wicked glint in his eyes. "Spencer told me that he told you about me and him," Socko said, slipping his hands in his pockets. Freddie nodded. Oh, how he wished Spencer had kept that information secret.

Socko's face then became downcast. "I also heard about your mother. I'm very sorry," he said sadly, sighing slightly. Oh hell no. He had not just played the mother card. Freddie felt his fists balling as Socko spoke. "I knew Marissa well," Socko said.

Freddie was taken aback. "What!" he asked, confused.

Socko nodded. "I was here a lot before Carly moved in. Your mother was better to me than my own mother," Socko admitted, chuckling. "You were only eight at the time. Spencer and I used to baby sit you and Carly back then, don't you remember?"

Freddie had no recollection of this, but the thought of Socko and Spencer getting down and dirty ever since he was eight made Freddie want to scream. How could he compete with that? Freddie was damn kid when Socko and Spencer first got together. How could Spencer ever see him differently?

"You didn't come to the funeral," Freddie lashed out, his thoughts returning to his mother.

Socko replied steadily, "Spencer didn't let me know until after the accident. Besides, I've rarely seen him these past few weeks. Ever since you moved in," Socko added, his tone more curious and bright than hateful and jealous, which Freddie would have preferred. Freddie was about to tell Socko all of the things he had missed in he past few weeks when Spencer came down the stairs, his expression grim.

"Carly locked herself in her bedroom," Spencer said, sighing and rubbing the back of his neck. Spencer then did a double take when he saw Socko and Freddie conversing. He furrowed his brow, but Socko interrupted his musings.

"We should go now if we want to make the dinner reservations I made for us, Spence," Socko told him cheerfully, moving away from Freddie to rejoin Spencer. Spencer cast a look at Freddie as Socko leaned up to peck Spencer on the cheek. Freddie couldn't help but look on, his eyes becoming blurry. Socko grabbed Spencer's hand and led him from the apartment. "It was nice seeing you, Freddie."

Freddie watched helplessly as Spencer left the apartment, his hand securely wrapped in Socko's. When the door shut, Freddie moaned and slid on the floor, gripping his hair as he cried to himself mercilessly. He couldn't get the image of Socko out of his head. Freddie had half a mind to go to Spencer's room and destroy all of the funky socks he owned, but Freddie knew that would only hurt Spencer. Sighing, Freddie stood up, his eyes catching sight of a pair of kitchen scissors.

Twenty minutes later, Freddie was nursing two damaged wrists on the couch. He knew the stinging was something he'd regret later, but for now, he felt completely content with the new cuts on his skin. He bitterly hoped that Spencer would be happy to find Freddie wounded because of him. And stupid, fucking Socko.

Freddie didn't even hear the steps nearing him as he observed his cuts. For the second time that night, a gasp rang out int he quiet apartment. Freddie looked up to see Carly standing over him, staring at his wrists.

"Freddie!" she shouted, sitting down next to him and taking hold of his wrists. Freddie winced in pain. Carly looked up at him in shock, expecting an explanation. Freddie couldn't hold it in any longer. He told Carly everything about him and Spencer, starting with the explanation about his sexuality and ending with Socko. Freddie began to sob, falling into Carly's chest. He expected Carly to push him away and run, but Carly cradled him gently, shushing him.

"I'm sick of this," Freddie sobbed, hiccuping, "I just want things to go back to the way they were," Carly said nothing as she stroked Freddie's back comfortingly. It was nice, but it wasn't anything compared to Spencer's large hands and sweet scent. Thinking of Spencer only made Freddie cry harder, so he tried to push it from his mind.

* * *

After what seemed like hours, the door opened to the apartment. Freddie didn't look up to know that Spencer was now entering the apartment, probably after hooking up with Socko at the restaurant. The thought made Freddie shiver. Carly held him tighter.

"Freddie?" Spencer asked, his voice concerned. "Carly? What's going on? What happened?"

Carly lifted her head, glaring at her brother heatedly. "Go away Spencer. Haven't you caused enough damage for one night?" she asked rudely, squeezing Freddie even more tightly. Freddie bit his lip, closing his eyes against Carly's shoulder.

Freddie didn't catch Spencer's face contort in pain as he stared at Carly and Freddie on the couch. Carly did, however. Her anger seemed to be rising.

"You are a selfish nub," Carly told him angrily. "I can't believe you didn't tell me about Socko until now! I'm your sister, Spencer!"

"You weren't old enough, Carly," Spencer responded, his voice quiet. "What was I supposed to do? Tell my thirteen year old sister when she moved in that I was sleeping with my best friend?"

"You could've warned me," Carly chastised, her tone shaking, "that I would turn into one too!"

Spencer remained silent. Carly started crying, seeming to forget about Freddie. Freddie just stayed tucked into Carly's arms, trying not to look at Spencer.

"And what's worse," Carly continued, "is that you brought Socko here _flaunting _him in front of Freddie!" Freddie straightened abruptly, shocked. He couldn't help but look at Spencer, who looked mortified.

"How did you-" Spencer began testily.

"Know? How did I know about you and Freddie? Hmm, let me think. Oh yeah, that's right, you made out with your boyfriend in front of him and reduced him to a weeping mess," Carly snapped. Freddie wanted to sink into the ground. He wanted to disappear. He wanted to evaporate and seriously be anywhere but here.

But Carly wasn't done. "You have no right to tell Freddie what he is or isn't supposed to feel," Carly said angrily. "That's not up to you. You both like each other and you, Spencer, are just being a jerk about it."

"I'm being a _jerk_ about it!" Spencer shouted, stamping his foot, looking livid. "I'm twenty nine, damn it! I can't date a sixteen year old!"

"But you can kiss him and sleep in the same bed as him?" Carly quizzed him, then laughing humorlessly. "You are way out of whack, Spencer. You have dealt with this the completely wrong way, and now you have to deal with the consequences," Carly then lifted Freddie's injured wrists in the air, showing them to Spencer. Spencer's face became stony.

"Spencer, I…" Freddie started, but tears began rolling down Spencer's cheeks. In shame. In misery. In some emotion Freddie could not peg. Carly's face softened slightly, and she sighed as she stood up.

"You two need to work this out. Spencer, Freddie is emotionally shattered right now. Mrs. Benson is gone and you leading him on isn't helping matters," Carly told her brother as he stared down in shame. Then, she turned to Freddie. Her tone became softer. "And Freddie, cutting yourself doesn't solve problems. Spencer isn't worth you slicing yourself open."

Freddie nodded miserably, sinking his head in his hands. Carly returned the nod, and looked at her brother. "I love you, Spencer. But you need to figure out what you want," she told him, walking around the couch to put a hand on his arm. Spencer nodded, not looking at her. She let go of him and made for the stairs. It had been a long night.

Freddie felt Spencer walk around the couch and sit next to him. Now that they were alone, Freddie had to explain himself where Carly had not. "I didn't mean for her to go off like that," Freddie admitted, "but she was wrong. Spencer, I understand that this isn't comfortable for you. I know the situation, I've thought about it a million times. I just can't handle seeing you with Socko. He's beautiful and perfect and everything I'm not," Freddie said sadly, shaking his head to himself.

"You deserve him though, I know that now. I don't want to hold you back, please just know that I want you to be happy," Freddie said, watching at Spencer stared back at him resolutely.

"I love you, Spencer," Freddie replied, looking earnestly into Spencer's eyes. "You mean everything to me. Don't worry about it, though. I can deal with it," Freddie said, looking away. "I'll be off to college in two years and then I'll be gone so you won't have to worry about it. And I think I'm going to stay with my Aunt Sharon from now on. She lives in Seattle, so I can still go to Ridgeway. And I can still come over here, sometimes, I mean, if you want. I don't have to," Freddie told him anxiously, shrugging slightly.

Spencer reached out and cupped Freddie's face with his hands. He then leaned forward and kissed Freddie so passionately that Freddie had to break away and catch air. Freddie stared at Spencer in awe. Spencer smiled briefly before pressing his lips to Freddie's again.

Freddie wrapped his arms around Spencer's neck as Spencer pushed him back into the couch, kissing his lips as if there were no tomorrow. Spencer kissed Freddie's jaw, his tongue darting out to massage the skin. Freddie let out a breath as Spencer pressed is lips to Freddie's ear. "I love you, too," Spencer told him, kissing the skin beneath his ear.

Spencer then leaned back, his face inches from Freddie's. His looked at him deeply, raising a hand to brush the hair out of Freddie's eyes. "I was afraid of this. I was afraid of falling in love with you…but I can't deny it any more. I can't keep hurting you," Spencer murmured, his voice shaking, "but I need you here. Stay with me, please."

Freddie allowed himself to be kissed by Spencer until he raised a hand to the man's chest. "But what about college? I have to go then."

"We'll cross the bridge when we come to it," Spencer told him, kissing his neck. Freddie sighed, smiling to himself. He was about to burst with happiness. How could he have been so unhappy a few hours ago? Freddie couldn't even remember what it was like to feel pain, because he knew now that he would be eternally happy.

After a little bit longer of senseless kissing, Spencer yawned, standing up. He extended a hand to Freddie, smiling cheekily. "I think it's time for bed," he said.

Freddie grinned and allowed himself to be pulled up by Spencer. Spencer placed his hands on Freddie's waist and kissed him as Freddie placed his hands on Spencer face. Then, Spencer took Freddie's hand and pulled him into the bedroom. Freddie felt a routine in the making.

This was something he could get used to.

_Fin._

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* * *

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**A/N:** Yepp, that's the end of this story! I actually didn't intend to finish the story here, but it seemed like such a nice place to stop. Will there be a sequel? You be the decider! Tell me if I should write the sequel, because it may include (but not limited to) more Cam, Freddie the blushing virgin, college approaching, a jealous Socko and if you remember that dream that Freddie had in chapter two, well…I won't give anything away. But I hoped you liked the story, and if you want a sequel, review and tell me so! :)

EDIT: Sequel is up and running! The title is iPromise. Happy reading! :)


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